OBR Press-Mike Bukach Reporting-Baltimore-Thursday-Jan 17th
Another candidate in the search for a new head coach has ended in an emphatic Nay for the faulty Ravens organization.
Negotiations were looking fairly positive after a preliminary round of interviews at the Ravens headquarters early this week.
The new suitee, Jason Garrett, a native Ohioan and current travel ambassador to Mexico for the Dallas Cowboys, was looking to ascend the NFL coaching by manning the recently vacated Head position of the Ravens.
The courtship proceeded smoothly into a second interview, in which Garrett left in a positive frame of mind.
"Talks went well, I can't really say much more than that, but yeah, things went swimmingly." Garrett said with a beaming smile yesterday morning.
What happened next is one heck of a head scratcher as Garrett was apparently caught up in a hazing plot conjured up by current players of the Ravens squad, ultimately ending with Jason staying put with the Cowboys.
Around 2:30am, in the part of Baltimore where they film the HBO show 'The Wire', police apprehended Ray Lewis, Bart Scott, and Trevor Pryce, the so called "Grampstas"in a bizarre attempted robbery plot.
"Grampstas", the knucklehead trio's 'street' name, part Grampa, part Gangsta, apparently sent a bunk message to Garrett's hotel room, demanding an impromptu meeting in the area.
They were apparently pretending to be Ozzie Newsome, current Ravens GM.
A local police surveillance team picked up and recorded the following phone conversation from an unmarked SWAT van that was recording local drug traffickers.
RingRing
"Hilton Baltimore how may I direct your call?" Female Employee
"Gimme Jason Garrett's room Bitch!" Ray Ray
"Excuse me?"Employee
"I'm Ray Lewis Bitch!"
"Who?" Employee
"Do I have to spell it? R-A-A L-O-U-W-I-S, Ray Lewis, now give me Jason Garrett."
Ring Ring
"Hello??" JGarrett
"YO! Jay, it's Ray....I mean, it's Ozzie...AUDIBLE SNICKERING"
"Ozzie?? Where are you? Are you alright you sound all congested." JG
"Ya, I'm aight, me and the boys just throwin' some dice, stabbin bitches and slammin some yayo, na mean?" Ray Ray
"Yayo??" JG
"Yee-ah boy, the yay, blow, c'mon honkey tonk." Ray Ray
"I don't understand jive." JG
"Man, yous cleaner than Ma Theresa herself, aintcha honkey tonk?" Ray
"Why do you keep calling me honky tonk? Are you drunk?"JG
"Please. Meet us...er....Meet me down on the corner of STD and the street where they film The Wire." Ray
"Why?" JG
"DON'T ASK QUESTIONS HONKY TONK, JUST DO IT!" Ray
Click
Jason Garrett was then picked up in a cab outside his hotel with Bart Scott posing as the driver.
Scott was apparently "inebriated" beyond repair and was distraught/ remorseful about turning down a position with the Cleveland Browns.
At one point it's suspected that Bart pulled the cab over so he could "Weep openly over the steering wheel" sobbing "Cleeeeeeveland, Belieeeeeeveland" over and over. .
After which, Scott leaned back and screamed at Jason Garrett not to take the coaching job citing the fact that he was in fact the ghost of Christmas future.
But details of that incident are not concrete.
The cab dropped JG off around midnight, at the spot where they film The Wire, (That's 3 times, HBO owes me) at which point a confused Jason was met by the rest of Grampstas, Ray Ray and Trevor Pryce.
An eyewitness, Wheezy D, was loitering outside the deli when the cab approached.
"Ya'll want some crack?" Wheezy asked " Nah, I'm just BLEEPIN wit ya'll. See, this cab rolls up with BLEEPING Bart Scott at the wheel, and out jumps some PGA looking mother BLEEPER being greeted by my boy Ray Ray and T-Pryce. They tells this honky BLEEP that he ain't got no street cred. He got a clean sheet. So to be the head coach, the main team playa, he gotta off some BLEEP or rob the mother BLEEPIN deli."
At which point Ray "The Goat" Lewis shoved a glock into the shaking hands of Mr. Garrett, who implored Ray to reconsider, begging him to take him back to the hotel.
Wheezy "Ya, that white boy was all scared and BLEEP saying he couldn't do it, Ray Ray was crazy Blah Blah blah. He just scared is all, Brian Billick didn't cry when they brought him down here, he just killed some BLEEP without question."
Ray Lewis then shoved Mr. Garrett into the corner deli, screaming obscenities at him, and threatening to go all "Buckhead" on his ass if he didn't rob the place.
Jason was able to call for help from his cell phone once inside the store. We questioned the lingering cashier of the deli for details.
"That man called for help while crouching behind the snack aisle. We have 45 various snack foods from which he could from. I know this because I'm a genius, offensively, defensively, jack-of-all-geniuses."
It was at this point we here at the OBR realized the disheveled, full bearded, wild-eyed cashier was actually Ex-Ravens Coach Brian Billick.
His name tag was purposefully misspelled "Brain".
"I need a job so I can support my genius children. They're only allowed to use telepathy in the house. Boller is the next Montana. McNair is about to peak."
The Baltimore PD arrived 3 hours later to apprehend the Grampstas; Ray Lewis, Bart Scott and Trevor Pryce.
They were clean, with only a bottle of OTC aspirins, some Ben Gay, a prescription for Cialis and hand full of Washed-Up Minty Mints on their collective persons.
Jason was escorted to his hotel, where him and his wife immediately checked out and headed towards the airport. Presumably flying directly back to Dallas. Messages were left at the Ravens Headquarters, and with Ozzie Newsome. No reply as of yet, but curiously, Ozzie's outgoing message said he was "Going back to where I belong. Here I come Phil."