When Marvin Lewis took over in Cincinnati, a lot of us wondered what the heck was going on. After all, here’s a highly sought-after coach who could have the choice of several different jobs, and he went to work for Mike Brown. Prior to Lewis, working for Son of Paul was strictly the province of complete nut-jobs (e.g, Sam Wyche), the pathetically desperate (e.g., Dick LeBeau), or the virtually unemployable (e.g., Don Shula’s spawn).
Mystery solved.
Lewis appears to be fitting in nicely to Cincy coaching pantheon, Complete Nut-Job Division™.
First, the Bengals coach became so paranoid about the Evil Media that he shunted them across the street from the practice facility, where their thought-control rays could be weakened enough by distance to bounce off Bungle helmets, which have been retrofitted to contain a layer of tinfoil.
Now he’s tracking down players who have leaked top-secret Bungle soap opera scenes.
Chad Johnson, concerned about the lack of network air time during the first-half of the Bungles playoff loss to Pittspuke, apparently expressed his concerns during halftime of the humiliating defeat. After being told that he could not play quarterback or leave via a convenient taxicab, Johnson reportedly yelled at an assistant coach and took a swing at Lewis.
Johnson’s behavior, certainly understandable within the context of escaping from the rapidly sinking USS Bungle, was described by Bahgdad Marvin as “raising his voice”.
The Cincinnati coach promised to soon unveil the identity of the player who leaked the information, speculating openly that he gained access to the media room using a key made out of soap. All media members have been asked to relocate to Azerbijan, where they can interview players via a heavily-encrypted phone line.