An ominous silence has now fallen over Cincinnati as a lone voice of meek
protest over the mind-bending antics of Bengal WR Chad Johnson has been
silenced.
If you remember, Johnson reportedly went postal on Marvin Lewis and an
assistant coach who were attempting to block Johnson's planned half-time escape
from the Bungles playoff thrashing at the hands of Pittspuke.
Denied access to enough footballs thrown by the ever-capable Rev. Most High
Jon Kitna, Johnson reportedly became despondent about his ability to carry the
Bungles to victory.
To demonstrate his concern over the game plan, Johnson reportedly put his
receivers coach into a headlock while demanding access to Coach Lewis'
refrigerator containing the special dessert strawberries.
Fortunately
for the NFL-watching public, which considers Chad Johnson to be nearly
saint-like and was thoroughly unprepared to grasp the concept of the receiver
doing anything goofy, Lewis has put a stop to future incidents leaking to the
media.
Lewis, whose concern for security has media members interviewing players in
the parking lot of the Bungle training facility (designated by the US Military
as "Area 43"), has put in additional precautions this season. The Bengals head
coach is concerned that his top-secret game plans - rumored to include an even
greater amount of "Hand the ball to Rudi and see if can run with it" than 2005 -
might leak to clever opponents like the nefarious supergenius Brian "I'm a
Supergenius" Billick.
When asked what happened to the player who leaked Johnson's spastic seizures
to the media, Lewis would only offer, ominously, "He
is already gone".
Lewis has offered no additional details about the current whereabouts of
talkative player, rumored to have gained access to the Bungles triple-locked
media room using a key made of soap. Speculation has centered around a practice
squad player seen launched out of a large cannon over the Ohio River, and a
large weight labeled "10 TONS (Acme Corp)" found inexplicably by the locker of a
second-year offensive lineman in the Bungles stadium locker room.