AFC North Truthcenter

Center Destruction Monitor 2006

2006-08-31T04:06:00Z

In order to better track the coming and goings at the center position, the staff at the AFC North Truthcenter has developed the following high-tech web application to track how many centers have been destroyed by joining the Cleveland Browns since the beginning of training camp in July.

Please re-visit this page for late-breaking center destruction updates as they happen!

STATUS COUNT NOTES
BROKEN 1
FLED SCREAMING
AT SIGHT OF TED
WASHINGTON 2
APPARENTLY
ON SOMETHING 1
CHUCKED OVERBOARD 1
DOOM PENDING 2
SWEATY 1

Crazy Marvin Gets His Man

2006-03-09T14:48:00Z

An ominous silence has now fallen over Cincinnati as a lone voice of meek protest over the mind-bending antics of Bengal WR Chad Johnson has been silenced.

If you remember, Johnson reportedly went postal on Marvin Lewis and an assistant coach who were attempting to block Johnson's planned half-time escape from the Bungles playoff thrashing at the hands of Pittspuke. Denied access to enough footballs thrown by the ever-capable Rev. Most High Jon Kitna, Johnson reportedly became despondent about his ability to carry the Bungles to victory.

To demonstrate his concern over the game plan, Johnson reportedly put his receivers coach into a headlock while demanding access to Coach Lewis' refrigerator containing the special dessert strawberries.

Fortunately for the NFL-watching public, which considers Chad Johnson to be nearly saint-like and was thoroughly unprepared to grasp the concept of the receiver doing anything goofy, Lewis has put a stop to future incidents leaking to the media.

Lewis, whose concern for security has media members interviewing players in the parking lot of the Bungle training facility (designated by the US Military as "Area 43"), has put in additional precautions this season. The Bengals head coach is concerned that his top-secret game plans - rumored to include an even greater amount of "Hand the ball to Rudi and see if can run with it" than 2005 - might leak to clever opponents like the nefarious supergenius Brian "I'm a Supergenius" Billick.

When asked what happened to the player who leaked Johnson's spastic seizures to the media, Lewis would only offer, ominously, "He is already gone".

Lewis has offered no additional details about the current whereabouts of talkative player, rumored to have gained access to the Bungles triple-locked media room using a key made of soap. Speculation has centered around a practice squad player seen launched out of a large cannon over the Ohio River, and a large weight labeled "10 TONS (Acme Corp)" found inexplicably by the locker of a second-year offensive lineman in the Bungles stadium locker room.

Truthcenter Classic: Ray of Light

2006-03-03T03:13:00Z

Here's an old classic, courtesy of Saturday night's Cartoon Funhouse. Thanks to STN for helping us preserve this bandwidth chewer. Robert Smigel is a genius.

Marvin Lewis Begins Process of Going Insane

2006-02-27T00:14:00Z

When Marvin Lewis took over in Cincinnati, a lot of us wondered what the heck was going on. After all, here’s a highly sought-after coach who could have the choice of several different jobs, and he went to work for Mike Brown. Prior to Lewis, working for Son of Paul was strictly the province of complete nut-jobs (e.g, Sam Wyche), the pathetically desperate (e.g., Dick LeBeau), or the virtually unemployable (e.g., Don Shula’s spawn).

Mystery solved.

Lewis appears to be fitting in nicely to Cincy coaching pantheon, Complete Nut-Job Division™.

First, the Bengals coach became so paranoid about the Evil Media that he shunted them across the street from the practice facility, where their thought-control rays could be weakened enough by distance to bounce off Bungle helmets, which have been retrofitted to contain a layer of tinfoil.

Now he’s tracking down players who have leaked top-secret Bungle soap opera scenes.

Chad Johnson, concerned about the lack of network air time during the first-half of the Bungles playoff loss to Pittspuke, apparently expressed his concerns during halftime of the humiliating defeat. After being told that he could not play quarterback or leave via a convenient taxicab, Johnson reportedly yelled at an assistant coach and took a swing at Lewis.

Johnson’s behavior, certainly understandable within the context of escaping from the rapidly sinking USS Bungle, was described by Bahgdad Marvin as “raising his voice”.

The Cincinnati coach promised to soon unveil the identity of the player who leaked the information, speculating openly that he gained access to the media room using a key made out of soap. All media members have been asked to relocate to Azerbijan, where they can interview players via a heavily-encrypted phone line.

The Book of Truth, Chapter 1

2006-02-26T15:33:00Z

And, lo, it was decided with Great Haste that the Truthcenter shall riseth again to scatter the truth among the Heathen and the Trailer Parks of the Deluded of Cincinnati, Crackmore, and Yinzerland. For it is The Purpose of this blog that they shall know the full Truth of their Folly. And, yea, it was decreed as good, so Bietz slammed up a few links and that was that.

STATUS	COUNT	NOTES
BROKEN	1
FLED SCREAMING AT SIGHT OF TED WASHINGTON	2
APPARENTLY ON SOMETHING	1
CHUCKED OVERBOARD	1
DOOM PENDING	2
SWEATY	1