Dearest Muni Lot Dirtbags,
Don't think for a minute that I don't know exactly what you're doing by asking me to explain why we didn't match your Cleveland "Browns" offer for fat-ass defensive lineman Shaun Smith.
Look, most of these new punks who own NFL teams don't have the slightest idea how to run things, and I'm not going to just give away all my secrets for free. Forget it.
In the hopes that you pipsqueaks can learn something about business, though, I'll tell you a little about what it's like to run an NFL club, a real business, and an honorable one unlike what some of these young hoodlums like Snyder made their money doing.
Like anything, running an NFL franchise is hard work. Hard work. You have to make every penny count. Shut your traps and listen.
I'm remembered by some for my Small Towel Plan, which I instituted back in 20-ought-one. I learned that it costs five cents to launder a regular-size towel, where if you use smaller ones, it costs only four cents, on average. A dishtowel, however, takes just three cents on average, if you calculate laundry detergent, electricity for the dryer, and the cost of the boy who hauls it to the locker room.
So, beginning back then, we switched from towels to dishrags in the locker room, and all told we've saved $600 over the last five years. That's money most NFL clubs just throw away.
The way some teams coddle their players just makes me sick. NFL players need to pay for their own keep. Clubs can defray the high costs of running an NFL franchise by providing services to their players at a reasonable cost.
Many players, for example, are hungry and thirsty when they come off the practice field. Providing them with vending machines conveniently located on the way back from the field is just good business. For less than a dollar, they can get themselves a Snickers bar, and for another, they can have a nice, cold Coca-Cola or a Shasta.
Our bail bonds business has been just exploding of late, and I'm happy to report to Mike, Jr., Paul III, and the rest of our shareholders that financial performance has never been better. Let's see those young fancypants in Dallas and Washington match the 4% profit margins our accountants told us we had last year.
So, if prettyboy Randy wants to throw $8 million dollars at a fat kid who can't even show enough self-respect to keep himself slim, that's his problem. I've told that Smith kid more than once that he'll never amount to anything unless he lays off the McDLT's and Vanilla Wafers. Good luck with that loser, Randy.
That's all you're getting out of me. F**k off, twerps.
Mike Brown
Super-Owner and Team President for Life
Cincinnati Bengals Football Club, Inc