Pittsburgh, PA
The day started out normal for little Johnny Wile, watched some cartoons, ate some semi-solid food for breakfast, played with an ancient lite-bright, was kidnapped by an NFL star.
What this? Kidnapped?
The perplexing tale unfolded at an autograph session at Champs sporting goods in downtown Pittsburgh yesterday, as 10-15 Steeler faithful gathered to get autographs from the pencil thin mustachioed Ward, where his normally cheerful demeanor took a dark, twisted turn.
“Everything was cool, kind of slow with all the fair weathered fans not being around anymore, just your average run-of-the-mill autograph session.”, said Jessica Morris, regional P.R. Rep. for Champs.
“The Wile family was like 5th in line, I remember them because I had to tell the parents to put out their cigarettes. The Dad had a huge jug of moonshine hooked around his finger, and the baby that got kidnapped in the crook of his arm, like a football. We had to confiscate the booze. The mom looked like a pug dog, all googly-eyed and mixed up. It seemed like one of “those” families.”
The predator in Hines Ward took full advantage, exploiting the parent’s incompetence. After posing for a picture and signing “Johnny’s belly”, Ward went to hand the kid back. That’s where things got weird.
“Next thing I know, Mr. Ward is sprinting passed the Easter Bunny out the door, stiff arming security guards and children along the way.”
Johnny was gone. Ward had taken the kid with him. The Wile family thought it was ......funny.
“Der Ya, we had a reeeal good laugh. I warsh clothes and red up tables. Hines Wards is a good player. Oh my Gawd. He makes touchdown. Me happy, duh. Yinz want moonshine?”
When it was explained that their child had just been kidnapped:
“Hahahaha. Hines funny, Bye bye John-John.”
Ward hopped in a sports car and sped to the Pittsburgh airport, where he took the awaiting Rooney family jet to LAX.
Steeler’s regular pilot, Captain John Reeves, was hesitant about flying with the highly volatile Ward.
“I was told to fly Hines to Cali, but he wasn't being his normal self. He was very demanding and extremely disturbed. I’ve seen the guy a hundred times and never saw him so angry. He was sweating profusely, muttering gibberish to that weird looking kid he had with him, he was acting like a crack addict.”
Crack no, steroids, maybe…...
The Steelers medical staff was recently put under heavy scrutiny by the FDA officials a month or so back.
One of the teams head physicians, Richard A. Rydze, had purchased an exorbitant amount of human growth hormones on his personal credit card. The story was instantly buried by the NFL/media due the potential domino effect it could create and the high respect for the Rooney family, who coincidentally, bought their last Super Bowl win on the same credit card Rydze used to buy the HGHs.
Flying into California, Captain Reeves became more concerned about his passengers well being upon their descent into LAX.
“We were given the green light to fly by the Rooney's. I told him (Ward) not to use his cell phone, but he insisted on using it the whole trip and during landing. The kid was getting all cranky, I really felt for him *shudder* ...so weird looking. Ward kept calling "Snakes", who he was talking to about trading X-amount of “stuff” for a “perfectly good white kid.”
Captain Reeves alerted the flight tower about the situation, who then alerted the authorities that were waiting for Ward at the gate.
Hines was taken in for psychiatric evaluation, and later transferred to Promises rehab center with starlet/Pink Floyd’s The Wall fanatic Britney ‘Cesarean’ Spears. The boy was given up willingly by Ward who overheard saying,
"You take the ugly little bastard, couldn't get me more than a weeks supply for him anyways."
Asked if he felt guilty about turning in the troubled Ward, Captain Reeves replied:
“Hell no, I’m a Browns fan, I’ve been waiting my whole career for this.”
One person who was more than happy to comply with our questions about the Steelers and their HGH implications, former Steelers QB and current cabaret star/drag queen, Kordell Stewart:
“Why do think Hinesth isth alwaysth sthmiling, he’sth on drugsth.”
*Asked to tone it down for editorial reasons, “Sash” continued with a list of people he knew were taking steroids on the Steelers squad.*
“Bill Cower, HGH fiend. The spittle and spray are a side effect. He used to have a normal sloping chin with impeccable annunciation. Joey Porter, Bubby Brister, Bubby Brister’s father was a HUGE roid junkie. Umm, Big Ben of course, The Bus used unleaded HGH. Bradshaw. Pretty much everyone that played on winning Steeler teams."
When inquired about what Ward’s mother might say about the situation:
“He’s not even Korean, that woman is his dry cleaning lady. He uses the Korean thing as a cover to get the good Asian “stuff” smuggled over here easier."
It is unknown whether this is Ward's first attempt at Child for Steroid swap.
"Fugly" Johnny Wile was flown back to Pittsburgh in good spirits and health. Even though he gave everyone big old "heebie jeebies", the flight attendants and EMTs kept a close eye on the boy, but not too close.