Unbe-fuckin-lievable.
Those were the words sputtered collectively by the handful of Silver and Black faithful, gathered to witness the draft on Saturday.
Al Davis had just thrown the weirdest curve ball in the history of the NFL. It swung around the plate, looped around like a boomerang, and headed straight out into left field, stupefying the Black-Hole die hards.
This incredible news was dropped by newly elected commissioner Roger Goodall, who, was just as shocked as the rest of the country.
Just as LSU QB Jamarcus Russell was fixing his tie, the following words rang out, silencing the nation:
"With the number pick of the 2007 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select..........Mindy Chidreck???"
Gasps rang out. Disarray ensued
Chris Berman choked back the guttural "DA RAYDAS" scream he had been practicing for 5 months straight.
Mel Kiper stammered through Mindy's upside and negatives, trying to justify his big board, sweating off his fake widows peak.
John Clayton spontaneously combusted, (some guy clapped for this, actually 2 or 30 million guys slow-clapped collectively) proving once and for all that John Clayton is nothing but a flaming ass puppet.
As the smell of burnt puppet meat wafted towards the rafters in New York, outraged reporters in Oakland descended upon wheel-chair bound Raiders owner Al Davis.
"Mr. Davis, what the hell are you thinking?" one reporter pleaded.
Under a pair of black Ray-Bans and Michael Jackson-esque umbrella, a cold concise answer was lain.
"Simple. I'm dying and I need virgin blood to live."
With that, the owner stood up warily, levitated, then quickly hovered across the parking lot and into an unmarked black limousine. A hardy "BLAH!, BLAH!" was heard before the limo door shut.
A spokesperson for the Raiders had this to say about the situation:
"Mr. Davis has decided it best for the organization to draft someone willing to give up their blood for this team...................ehem, literally. Ms. Chidreck will be offered #1 pick type money to be available for non-fatal "extraction" anytime during the season. As you all know, Mr. Davis is a vampire that has been sucking the life out of this organization for years. This is not that different. Mindy gives us, or just Al really, new life and new hope for years to come. Thank you and I resign, as of right now."
A message was left with the Van Helsing's of Stuttgart, Germany.
Mr. Savage, Cleveland Browns GM, was available for a comment. Donning a large wreath of garlic around his neck, a giant foam Crucifix on his head, and a bottle of Poland Springs Holy Water, about the strange events,
"What the fuck was that all about? Do you know how hard this draft is? I get to pick after a fucking retard AND a Vampire. Great! Does anyone have a four sided die? ANYONE? There's too many holes on my team for this BULLSHIT! He was supposed to take RUSSELL! I'm trading down, that's it trading down, call Houston, STAT!."
A call was also made to the Chidreck's of Racine, Wisconsin. A confused Mindy answered, barely holding it together.
"That's the scary man that comes to my window at night. I don't want him *sniff* to *sniff* take my blood *audible sobbing*"
Unblah-fucking-lievable.