LO Starship! Your life changing lyrics about San Francisco built on the greatest music genre have come true, only it wasn't San Fran, you were a few thousand miles off.
As the excavation of an independent KFC restaurant in downtown Cleveland continued this morning, Parma native/Geologist Travis Winochowski found something very interesting deep under Chester Avenue .
“Well, we took some samples from under the KFC early last week that returned some remarkable results.”
Those remarkable results?
“Initial tests reveal that the city of Cleveland is indeed built on a peculiar mixture of limestone and Rock n’ Roll.”
The KFC being leveled has come under heavy criticism from neighbors and employees as of late. Apparently, “odd smells”, “strange lookin’ dudes” and “constant loud music” have made the block of Chester and East 13th “pretty unbearable”.
Jamal Jones, a full-time employee at the KFC, gave his accounts of working at the temporarily defunct chain.
“Man, every night around 6 or 7 the party gets started. The first time I heard the music, I thought some local band was playing in the parking lot. I looked around, but no one was back there, the music just got louder and louder inside.”
Jamal claims he would just try to ignore the noise.
“It was loudest in the Men’s room behind the kitchen, it sounded like the toilets were haunted by Hendrix or something. Man, I was scared half to shit. After a couple days or so, I started smelling the pot smoke with the music and knew those poltergeist cats were pretty OK, hehe, nah mean?”
Winochowski has a theory about the problem at the KFC site and surrounding area.
“Well, further research will substantiate the existence of 3 main layers of Rock and Roll supporting the city. The bottom layer is mostly made up of melted Heavy Metals with a magmas consistency. Above that is Hard Rock, the vastly cultivated layer that has gone soft from under water river erosion, commercialization and “Coreporatazation” (Awful awful pun, sorry)
As Winochowski laid claim to his theory, a large Orange van full of rowdy Browns fans pulled onto the site, where a grill was instantly fired up next to a quickly escalated game of Corn-Hole. Soon after, a large sea of Orange and Brown had collected, partying around the grounds.
“Well, the upper crust foundation is a Classic Rock mix, fused with Cream, Zeppelin & Floyd sediments, separated by thin sheets of Sex & Drugs.”
Mr. Winochowski retrieved a large silver flask from his construction coat, uncapped it and took a healthy pull.
“Apparently the KFC sewer system penetrated the Classic Rock layer, creating some good tunes and copious amounts of……smoke. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a month until the draft and 5 months until kick-off, time to start tailgating.”
Grace Slick, former co-lead singer of Starship was asked about the findings under Cleveland .
“The song is like, a metaphor, for all cities across American. Or like, just the ones that we can like, book a gig in. Seriously though, I’m like broke and need some cash. This painting thing isn’t like, working out. Royalties are slim. Can we play The Odeon? Is that like, even there? The Agora? Anywhere please, we’ll play that parking lot for God Sakes. Like”
A voice mail statement from Gavin Newsome, current mayor of San Francisco, claims San Fran is not built on Rock n’ Roll but sits on a shaky foundation of “Adultery and Earthquakes”.
Huey Lewis, a geographic Rock n’ Roll anatomist, has claimed the heart of rock n’ roll is in several cities across America . When asked if he thinks it might just be somewhere in Ohio , proclaimed “Heart of it All".
“Sure, if they pay me the $100,000.00 playing fee, I’ll think anything.”
It should be noted traces of Huey Lewis minerals were never found at the KFC site.