In the rarest of interviews, Mike sits down with God Almighty to talk about Brown's football past and present, beer, life in general, and hot chicks. Here is a transcript of the shenanigans that ensued.
MB- First and foremost, thanks for the interview, I realize you're the busiest guy.....well, ever.
God- Not a prob Mike, got everything set on cruise control, should be fine for a bit.
MB- And also, thanks for creating beer.....and boobs, seriously.
God- (laughs) You know it brother!
MB- I know you're a huge Browns fan, but no offense, I can't help but question your loyalty with the recent failures on top of a history riddled with such tremendous heart break.
God- No offense taken. Rest assured, I AM a die hard Browns fan, it's just things have been a little busy around here, and I haven't had my heart 100% into the game since Sata...er...Modell took the team away.
MB- WAIT! WHAT? You said "Satan...er....Modell"
God- No I didn't.
MB- Yes, you DID!
God- I said " Sata"
MB- Modell IS Satan. I knew it!
God - *sigh* Not exactly, but he does work for that asshole.
MB- Explain.
God- Uhhh...I don't know.....
MB- PLEASE!
God- ....ah..what the hell, here it goes.
Modell is a total pain in my God ass, body jumping Demon from hell. When Hitler died, the Demon within him leapt into Modell's then 20 year old body. By the time I figured him out, he inexplicably moved the Browns to the big VD. That son of a bitch.
MB- Wow, this explains...so much. But that bastard still owes us a Superbowl.
God- Soon enough Mike, soon enough.
MB- How Soon?
God- Soon
MB- Not good enough God, I need to know when! Who's the coach? Who's our QB? Do we win on a Phil Dawson field goal or on a sweet, sweet fullback Vickers Moflickers option? Is LeCharles playing? Is...
God- Whoa, WHOA! Chill out Mike. You know I can't answer future questions, it may kill us all.
MB- Harumph.
God- Oh stop pouting, just enjoy the ride.
MB-(inaudible cursing)
God- I heard that! I'm sorry I couldn't stop him, I told you why. Look, think of it this way: you lost 3 years of your life, while Modell will burn for eternity. (chuckles) That's a really long time. And it's no Club Med down there. I've seen it. It's like standing in a never ending check-in line at Laguardia Airport in the middle of the Sahara times a 1,000 with no water, food, provisions, while constantly being prodding and whipped with searing iron rods/whips by pretty much the scariest beings imaginable, listening to Celine Dion at full decibel blast For-ev-er.
MB- Well played God
God - You wanna bump it?
(I bumped the rock with God, sweet)
MB- You had nothing to do with Byner's fumble, right?
God- Nope. Satan again, part of the Elway to Hell deal. If you watch the reply through an infrared lens, you can actually see Lucifer himself punch that ball out.
MB- So you had nothing to do with horseface's emergence?
God- Uhh...no way dude. There's a legitimate contract for that man's soul downstairs.
MB- Why did you let the Steelers win the Superbowl in 06'?
God - I didn't, the refs did.
MB- What about their 70's victories?
God- All Steroids. Hello! McFly! I hate Pittsburgh, why would I want them to win? Speaking of steroids, is Ryan Tucker retarded?
MB- I know right?
God- Dumb ass
MB- How's Elvis?
God- Chubby, obnoxious, but also a Browns fan and I love that dumb bastard.
MB- Where's Bin Laden?
God- Driving a gypsy cab in Jersey.
MB- Best portrayal of you in a film.
God- Hmm. M Python's Holy Grail, or Big Lebowski.
MB- Lebowski was about you?
God- Duh, I'm the Dude, man.
MB- Favorite current player?
God- Kamerion Wimbley
MB- Did you try to kill Big Ben?
God- Yes
MB- Why?
God- Because I hate him.
MB- Hottest chick in the world?
God- Sophia Loren
MB- Ugh, she's like 94.
God- I like em' old.
MB- Favorite Beer?
God- What day is it?
MB- Friday.
God- Pick a month.
MB- Umm, October.
God- What time is it?
MB- Time? Six..pm.
God- Pabst Blue Ribbon
MB- Really?
God- Are you questioning God?
MB- When is Jesus coming back?
God- He already has.
MB- Really? When, where?
God- A while back, The Q, # 23.
MB- OH MY YOU!
MB- Alright God, here's a biggie. Who will start this year Anderson, Frye or Quinn?
God- You had to get me started on this. While I won't answer a future question, I will relieve my undesirable contempt towards the current QB situation in Berea. The Browns have yet to learn from past mistakes when dealing with quarterbacks. Don't get me wrong, they made the right, aggressive move in getting Quinn, cause if they hadn't, there would be no hope for the future. The set back from this move was the inability to find a decent veteran QB. I understand there was slim pickens out there, but the importance of the tutelage of a young QB from the wise veteran cannot be overstated.
Calling Charlie Frye a veteran is like saying Glen Close is an attractive, doable option.
The only thing he will teach Quinn is what it looks like when a meth addict tries to stay in the pocket when Dwight Freeney, dressed as a NARC, is speed rushing around the corner.
We have two fairly proven-to-be-bad quarterbacks vying for the #1 spot, while the rookie hope plays with his dumbbells in Arizona.
Ken Dorsey is equivalent to Todd Philcox, and should only wear the shoulder pads in a white two piece suit while attending an 80's Miami Vice party.
Ultimately, it all hinges on the first game. It is a must win contest for the Browns. If they lose against the newly coached Steampitts, Quinn will be starting be game 4-6. If by some miracle Frye/Anderson beats them, then we'll be in our comfort zone.
MB- Comfort Zone?
God- If there's a place the Cleveland Fans know better than a two-way QB controversy, it's a menage-a-tois of QB controversy.
MB- Wow, good stuff God. Thanks again for stopping by, it's been a real pleasure.
God- No prob
MB-Hey, Wait! God?
God- Yeah?
MB- Where's Hoffa?
God- New Castle, Pennsylvania.
MB- Poor schmuck.