Off the Wagon

Ray Lewis tries to force Jason Garrett to rob deli

2008-01-20T04:15:02Z

OBR Press-Mike Bukach Reporting-Baltimore-Thursday-Jan 17th

Another candidate in the search for a new head coach has ended in an emphatic Nay for the faulty Ravens organization.

Negotiations were looking fairly positive after a preliminary round of interviews at the Ravens headquarters early this week.

The new suitee, Jason Garrett, a native Ohioan and current travel ambassador to Mexico for the Dallas Cowboys, was looking to ascend the NFL coaching by manning the recently vacated Head position of the Ravens.

The courtship proceeded smoothly into a second interview, in which Garrett left in a positive frame of mind.

"Talks went well, I can't really say much more than that, but yeah, things went swimmingly." Garrett said with a beaming smile yesterday morning.

What happened next is one heck of a head scratcher as Garrett was apparently caught up in a hazing plot conjured up by current players of the Ravens squad, ultimately ending with Jason staying put with the Cowboys.

Around 2:30am, in the part of Baltimore where they film the HBO show 'The Wire', police apprehended Ray Lewis, Bart Scott, and Trevor Pryce, the so called "Grampstas"in a bizarre attempted robbery plot.

"Grampstas", the knucklehead trio's 'street' name, part Grampa, part Gangsta, apparently sent a bunk message to Garrett's hotel room, demanding an impromptu meeting in the area.

They were apparently pretending to be Ozzie Newsome, current Ravens GM.

A local police surveillance team picked up and recorded the following phone conversation from an unmarked SWAT van that was recording local drug traffickers.

RingRing

"Hilton Baltimore how may I direct your call?" Female Employee

"Gimme Jason Garrett's room Bitch!" Ray Ray

"Excuse me?"Employee

"I'm Ray Lewis Bitch!"

"Who?" Employee

"Do I have to spell it? R-A-A L-O-U-W-I-S, Ray Lewis, now give me Jason Garrett."

Ring Ring

"Hello??" JGarrett

"YO! Jay, it's Ray....I mean, it's Ozzie...AUDIBLE SNICKERING"

"Ozzie?? Where are you? Are you alright you sound all congested." JG

"Ya, I'm aight, me and the boys just throwin' some dice, stabbin bitches and slammin some yayo, na mean?" Ray Ray

"Yayo??" JG

"Yee-ah boy, the yay, blow, c'mon honkey tonk." Ray Ray

"I don't understand jive." JG

"Man, yous cleaner than Ma Theresa herself, aintcha honkey tonk?" Ray

"Why do you keep calling me honky tonk? Are you drunk?"JG

"Please. Meet us...er....Meet me down on the corner of STD and the street where they film The Wire." Ray

"Why?" JG

"DON'T ASK QUESTIONS HONKY TONK, JUST DO IT!" Ray

Click

Jason Garrett was then picked up in a cab outside his hotel with Bart Scott posing as the driver.

Scott was apparently "inebriated" beyond repair and was distraught/ remorseful about turning down a position with the Cleveland Browns.

At one point it's suspected that Bart pulled the cab over so he could "Weep openly over the steering wheel" sobbing "Cleeeeeeveland, Belieeeeeeveland" over and over. .

After which, Scott leaned back and screamed at Jason Garrett not to take the coaching job citing the fact that he was in fact the ghost of Christmas future.

But details of that incident are not concrete.

The cab dropped JG off around midnight, at the spot where they film The Wire, (That's 3 times, HBO owes me) at which point a confused Jason was met by the rest of Grampstas, Ray Ray and Trevor Pryce.

An eyewitness, Wheezy D, was loitering outside the deli when the cab approached.

"Ya'll want some crack?" Wheezy asked " Nah, I'm just BLEEPIN wit ya'll. See, this cab rolls up with BLEEPING Bart Scott at the wheel, and out jumps some PGA looking mother BLEEPER being greeted by my boy Ray Ray and T-Pryce. They tells this honky BLEEP that he ain't got no street cred. He got a clean sheet. So to be the head coach, the main team playa, he gotta off some BLEEP or rob the mother BLEEPIN deli."

At which point Ray "The Goat" Lewis shoved a glock into the shaking hands of Mr. Garrett, who implored Ray to reconsider, begging him to take him back to the hotel.

Wheezy "Ya, that white boy was all scared and BLEEP saying he couldn't do it, Ray Ray was crazy Blah Blah blah. He just scared is all, Brian Billick didn't cry when they brought him down here, he just killed some BLEEP without question."

Ray Lewis then shoved Mr. Garrett into the corner deli, screaming obscenities at him, and threatening to go all "Buckhead" on his ass if he didn't rob the place.

Jason was able to call for help from his cell phone once inside the store. We questioned the lingering cashier of the deli for details.

"That man called for help while crouching behind the snack aisle. We have 45 various snack foods from which he could from. I know this because I'm a genius, offensively, defensively, jack-of-all-geniuses."

It was at this point we here at the OBR realized the disheveled, full bearded, wild-eyed cashier was actually Ex-Ravens Coach Brian Billick.

His name tag was purposefully misspelled "Brain".

"I need a job so I can support my genius children. They're only allowed to use telepathy in the house. Boller is the next Montana. McNair is about to peak."

The Baltimore PD arrived 3 hours later to apprehend the Grampstas; Ray Lewis, Bart Scott and Trevor Pryce.

They were clean, with only a bottle of OTC aspirins, some Ben Gay, a prescription for Cialis and hand full of Washed-Up Minty Mints on their collective persons.

Jason was escorted to his hotel, where him and his wife immediately checked out and headed towards the airport. Presumably flying directly back to Dallas. Messages were left at the Ravens Headquarters, and with Ozzie Newsome. No reply as of yet, but curiously, Ozzie's outgoing message said he was "Going back to where I belong. Here I come Phil."

Cloned Meat, Steroids, and Deceiveland

2008-01-15T23:09:21Z

or "The New Wave of Reverse Psychological Marketing Gimmicks"

It's been so freakin' long. I'm so full of nonsense I can't take it anymore. Put on your goggles and wader
boots, it's gonna get messy, Double Dare Challenge style.

First and foremost, congrats to the 2007 Cleveland Browns on a fantastic season. I haven't had that much fun watching a Cleveland team in a very, very, very (x's infinity) long time. It was a nice warm feeling knowing that we had a chance each week to stay with and defeat our opponents. The last decade or so....not so much.

Unfortunately, it ended with a sputter, and everyone realized how fucking bad Jim Sorgi really is, and how Karma is a total psycho bitch. (Chargers WIN!)

But alas, if you would of told me during preseason that the Browns would end up 10-6 and tied with the Steelers and NOT make the playoffs, I would of kindly suggested the Betty Ford clinic for you, your Grandma, and your siblings.

The MVP award goes to the Browns offensive line. How refreshing. Just plain solid game after game after game. Props to Phil Savage.

The Sandwich award goes to Josh Cribbs. What a game changer indeed. It's been a while since I've eaten in a downtown Cleveland deli, but I really hope someone has named a sandwich after this kid.

Like the "Cribbs Club" or the "Cajun Josh". Something spicy that makes you all giddy with man love, and gives you (and your team) a strategically placed kick in the crotch.

The Dawson Bar. Oh the witty heads at various Chocolaty marketing companies around the sprawling metropolis of the Cleve must have been licking there chops after this one. Phil Dawson single handedly made me: 1. Hide under a table at a crowded bar 2. Pee my pants a little in a moment of sheer jubilation 3. Cry a tear of pride/joy that I gracefully played off as an errant drop of Tabasco sauce to the eye. Thank you Phil, you're a scrapper.

Reverse Psychology. Frankly, I'm a little tired of the win win bologna yeah! marketing ploys created for our beloved home teams.

Yes, it creates a buzz for a time, and maybe a sense of family/ belonging between a team and the fans, and honestly, I don't mean to come across as such a humbug cynic. The bottom line is; they're not working. Witness, believeland, It's tribe time now, May the FORCE be with you (jk), lumberjacks lumberjacks sis boom bah (okay I'm done)

How about no signs or slogans until we win. Cheer your freaking throat out, clap your hands raw, whatever. No signs, or just signs of subtle indifference and reverse psychology.

Like: 'Why Not Us?' or 'Deceiveland' or 'Yipe!' or my favorite; Maybe this year I won't have to say "Maybe
next year".

How are those wader boots holding up kind reader? Here are some quick hits on topics of blazing importance:

Steroids and Baseball? Who cares, shame on everyone for letting it get this bad. Bud Selig has labia for arms.

Cloned Meat? I wonder what new disease this phenomenon will conjure up. Clone Cancer? Spontaneous generation of appendages and limbs? Will foodies be able to tell the difference between the real mignon and Bessy II and her sequels? What happens when you clone a clones clone? Blargh!

The real questions here are why is it 2008 and there are no flying cars? And when can I fight my clone to
the death on the 50 yard line at CBS to the Karate Kid Theme song?

ESPN fellates A-Rod in new weekly segment

2007-10-13T20:38:50Z

It was only a matter of time before ESPN "upped the ante" on their coverage of the media darling boys.

This week, ESPN announced that regular Sportcenter host Stuart Scott will be performing fellatio on New York Yankee slugger, Alex Rodriguez, in the debut of a new segment called the FEDEX 'RugBurn Challange'.

Each week, a different male athlete will pull down his britches and receive the highest of praise from such ESPN regulars as: John Clayton, Skip Bayless and Jim Rome.

Both the receivers and givers will be miked up for an in-performance feed to create the most realistic of environments and in-blow analysis. Apparently there will be at least 10 cameras rolling, shooting from various angles. Plus, that sweet wire camera they use on SNF will be hovering around above.

"It's like A-Rod is creepin in your very own bedroom, looking for the other side of the pillow! Don't be a Fellator Hater! Booyah!"

This is hardly a reach for a network that hashes such inane coverage of the sporting world, they have become a day long, recycled parity of themselves. Sticking with only what they think we as consumers want to watch has ESPN narrowed it's coverage to the Yankees, Red Sox, Patriots, Cowboys and Spurs.

"We're like a Top 40 countdown that only plays 5 songs baby! Don't hate! Booyah! Glass Eye!" Said Scott, longtime ESPNer.

The Heads (ehem) of ESPN conjured this sexually explicit show to spice up their stale format. Apparently sitting outside of T.O.'s or Joe Torre's house, rummaging through their garbage just isn't enough.

"Let's face it, it's not really about who wins, but who we want to blow. A-Rod, Joe Torre, the whole Yankees organization, Tony Romo, Kobe, Randy Moss, those are the type of guys we want in our mouths." Said Patrick McJuggins, PR guy at ESPN.

For the next couple of weeks, The FEDEX ' Rugburn Challenge' will feature mostly players from the New York Yankees. After getting their asses handed to them by a team with a better regular season record, better bullpen, better starting pitching and more heart then a race horse but doesn't actually exist, the Yankees were quick to jump on the blowing board.

"The other team didn't win, we just lost. The umpire, those bugs, the lighting was a little off and the weather was too hot. These things add up. I didn't sleep very well, and we have a collective allergy problem. It wasn't them. It wasn't them that beat us. I want a bj." Said Roger 'Cortizone' Clemens

A-Rod, or Mr. UnOctober, will start the series off as stated with Stuart Scott giving him head. Derek Jeter will be featured the following week, with guest giver Johnny Damon performing a nice hello to his fellow teammate.

Bobby Abreu was asked to join in on the fun, but was arrested last week at the Copacabana in NYC. Apparently Abreu is being accused of abrasive gaming, 'looking too cocky' and slipping mickeys into the buffet table.

Asked if he thought ESPN might be going waaaay too far with the new segment, Patrick McJuggins gave an adamant no.

"No! No way! What a stupid question. It's not like we're going to play with their balls or anything."
Because that would be uncalled for.

My Amazing Vacation in Duh Nile

2007-09-13T14:33:10Z

Oh my goodness, what a trip I just went on. Phew! I'm absolutely pooped. I had so much fricken fun, my head is about to explode with delight. I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but If you've never been in Duh Nile, I highly, highly suggest it.

It's a bea-utiful, surreal land; the perfect getaway from work, bitches, hos, nagging wives and incompetent football franchises.

And the best part is, IT'S ABSOLUTELY FREE! (Minus the booze of course) YAY!

I rode jet skis with my best friend Rip Torn, I went scuba diving for sunken treasure with Steve Irwin, I got a massage from hot Asian chicks who laughed hysterically at everyone of my jokes and didn't care that I'm poor.

I can't describe in words how glorious of a trip it was.

But I've gotta say, the best part of my trip to Duh Nile was sitting in that tropical little bar on the beach and watching my Brownies destroy the Steelers in the opener.

My goodness, I sure would hate to be in the Pittsburgh organization right now; scrambling around like a decapitated chicken, searching for answers that probably don't exist. Damn shame really.

To start, their offense looked absolutely horrific. It's laughable.

Do those poor bastards have any clue? Are you a smashmouth team? Are you a passing attack Martzesque O? Are you somewhere in between? And seriously, pick a QB already. How do you trade Big Ben to Seattle NOW after having the whole preseason to do so? I thought he was "the face of the franchise". Geez, get a clue, (and a punter) Pittsburgh!

And really, is their defensive line really scaring anyone? Not me, no sir, not even the Twinsburg High Tigers . Charles Frye's jersey was stain free at the end of the game. I bet he doesn't even wash that sweet #9 for the Bangels game, doesn't have to, not dirtied at all.

Poor poor Steelers. I almost want to console them, but then I see that statuesque coach of theirs in the post game presser, apathetic, robotic, retarded, passion free, and I know it's not worth it, they are incapable of any sort of emotion.

The salty treat on that gaping wound is it's possible that said coach comes from a line of coaching cheaters! Haha! Wouldn't that be the icing; the reason their coach has three rings was because he cheated to get them with video cameras and spy gear! Good lord could the season start any worse for them?

That's all I've got, I'm totally zonked from my trip. I'm planning to head down to Duh Niles again this weekend, feel free to call me if you want to tag along. Bring along a dump truck full of booze and some pain killers if you can. Here's my number.

216-478-SHOOTMEINTHEFACE

Kamerion Wimbley's forearm scares man to death

2007-08-14T16:41:40Z

The excitement of the Browns first preseason game was doused in tragedy for the Polanski family, as their beloved 'Uncle Richard' died suddenly in the 1st quarter of action.

Watching from the comfort of the home in Old Brooklyn, the Polanski's were abuzz with anticipatory football glee.

"We were all just so excited. Everyone kept saying 'Thank God football's finally here." Recalled a teary eyed Sharon Polanski, wife of Tom.

The buzz was to be killed, literally, by the amazing play-making skills of the Browns linebacker.

"Well, we invited Uncle Rich over because he's been so lonely over there ever since Aunt Gertrude died. Poor guy, first his wife explodes in a freak gardening accident, now this." Tom , Richard's nephew.

The Polanski's just purchased a brand new big screen HDTV with surround sound, which may have created a "too realistic" football experience for the old timer.

Apparently Uncle Richard had just finished eating his Pierogies & Basa, when he turned to watch the play that did him in.

Little Mikey Polanski tried to give us some play by play;

"The Chiefs snapped the ball and Kamerion went into his classic Nimbley Wimbley duck and f*&%. That's what my dad calls it, because Kamerion ducks down really low, then pops up and f*%$s up the offensive play." (At this point Sharon Polanski scolded Mikey for the foul language and glared at her husband who shrugged sheepishly)

"Kamerion Wimbley killed my great uncle, awesome!"

From what this writer could gather, (after Mikey was sent to his room for cursing) Uncle Richard was watching a replay of Wimbley on the first defensive series, when a close up of Kamerion's Flexor muscles conjured an old war flashback.

The old Uncle then yelled out "PANTHER!" and died.

"He fought in Nam. The only real action he saw was when he was attacked by a black panther near the Mekong Delta. I guess KW's pass rush reminded him of the attack."

An email from Browns GM Phil Savage issued an apology on Mr. Wimbley's behalf.

While our prayers go out to the Polanski family, we are extremely excited about Kamerion's continual development and ability to scare the bejesus out of people.

We apologize that his freakish forearm muscles ignite such fear in people that their hearts stop. Maybe we'll add a disclaimer to his jersey.......nah.

But really, ya'll laughed and scoffed when I drafted him, now he has 5 kills under his belt. Bunkley? Ngata? Please.

Yours,
Phil "If it weren't for me, ya'll would be f&*^ed" Savage

Donations to the Polanski family can be sent to:
The OBR Headquarters
c/o The Church of Our Beloved Browns

God Hates Pittsburgh: An Exclusive Interview

2007-08-06T15:21:34Z

In the rarest of interviews, Mike sits down with God Almighty to talk about Brown's football past and present, beer, life in general, and hot chicks. Here is a transcript of the shenanigans that ensued.

MB- First and foremost, thanks for the interview, I realize you're the busiest guy.....well, ever.

God- Not a prob Mike, got everything set on cruise control, should be fine for a bit.

MB- And also, thanks for creating beer.....and boobs, seriously.

God- (laughs) You know it brother!

MB- I know you're a huge Browns fan, but no offense, I can't help but question your loyalty with the recent failures on top of a history riddled with such tremendous heart break.

God- No offense taken. Rest assured, I AM a die hard Browns fan, it's just things have been a little busy around here, and I haven't had my heart 100% into the game since Sata...er...Modell took the team away.

MB- WAIT! WHAT? You said "Satan...er....Modell"

God- No I didn't.

MB- Yes, you DID!

God- I said " Sata"

MB- Modell IS Satan. I knew it!

God - *sigh* Not exactly, but he does work for that asshole.

MB- Explain.

God- Uhhh...I don't know.....

MB- PLEASE!

God- ....ah..what the hell, here it goes.

Modell is a total pain in my God ass, body jumping Demon from hell. When Hitler died, the Demon within him leapt into Modell's then 20 year old body. By the time I figured him out, he inexplicably moved the Browns to the big VD. That son of a bitch.

MB- Wow, this explains...so much. But that bastard still owes us a Superbowl.

God- Soon enough Mike, soon enough.

MB- How Soon?

God- Soon

MB- Not good enough God, I need to know when! Who's the coach? Who's our QB? Do we win on a Phil Dawson field goal or on a sweet, sweet fullback Vickers Moflickers option? Is LeCharles playing? Is...

God- Whoa, WHOA! Chill out Mike. You know I can't answer future questions, it may kill us all.

MB- Harumph.

God- Oh stop pouting, just enjoy the ride.

MB-(inaudible cursing)

God- I heard that! I'm sorry I couldn't stop him, I told you why. Look, think of it this way: you lost 3 years of your life, while Modell will burn for eternity. (chuckles) That's a really long time. And it's no Club Med down there. I've seen it. It's like standing in a never ending check-in line at Laguardia Airport in the middle of the Sahara times a 1,000 with no water, food, provisions, while constantly being prodding and whipped with searing iron rods/whips by pretty much the scariest beings imaginable, listening to Celine Dion at full decibel blast For-ev-er.

MB- Well played God

God - You wanna bump it?

(I bumped the rock with God, sweet)

MB- You had nothing to do with Byner's fumble, right?

God- Nope. Satan again, part of the Elway to Hell deal. If you watch the reply through an infrared lens, you can actually see Lucifer himself punch that ball out.

MB- So you had nothing to do with horseface's emergence?

God- Uhh...no way dude. There's a legitimate contract for that man's soul downstairs.

MB- Why did you let the Steelers win the Superbowl in 06'?

God - I didn't, the refs did.

MB- What about their 70's victories?

God- All Steroids. Hello! McFly! I hate Pittsburgh, why would I want them to win? Speaking of steroids, is Ryan Tucker retarded?

MB- I know right?

God- Dumb ass

MB- How's Elvis?

God- Chubby, obnoxious, but also a Browns fan and I love that dumb bastard.

MB- Where's Bin Laden?

God- Driving a gypsy cab in Jersey.

MB- Best portrayal of you in a film.

God- Hmm. M Python's Holy Grail, or Big Lebowski.

MB- Lebowski was about you?

God- Duh, I'm the Dude, man.

MB- Favorite current player?

God- Kamerion Wimbley

MB- Did you try to kill Big Ben?

God- Yes

MB- Why?

God- Because I hate him.

MB- Hottest chick in the world?

God- Sophia Loren

MB- Ugh, she's like 94.

God- I like em' old.

MB- Favorite Beer?

God- What day is it?

MB- Friday.

God- Pick a month.

MB- Umm, October.

God- What time is it?

MB- Time? Six..pm.

God- Pabst Blue Ribbon

MB- Really?

God- Are you questioning God?

MB- When is Jesus coming back?

God- He already has.

MB- Really? When, where?

God- A while back, The Q, # 23.

MB- OH MY YOU!

MB- Alright God, here's a biggie. Who will start this year Anderson, Frye or Quinn?

God- You had to get me started on this. While I won't answer a future question, I will relieve my undesirable contempt towards the current QB situation in Berea. The Browns have yet to learn from past mistakes when dealing with quarterbacks. Don't get me wrong, they made the right, aggressive move in getting Quinn, cause if they hadn't, there would be no hope for the future. The set back from this move was the inability to find a decent veteran QB. I understand there was slim pickens out there, but the importance of the tutelage of a young QB from the wise veteran cannot be overstated.

Calling Charlie Frye a veteran is like saying Glen Close is an attractive, doable option.
The only thing he will teach Quinn is what it looks like when a meth addict tries to stay in the pocket when Dwight Freeney, dressed as a NARC, is speed rushing around the corner.

We have two fairly proven-to-be-bad quarterbacks vying for the #1 spot, while the rookie hope plays with his dumbbells in Arizona.

Ken Dorsey is equivalent to Todd Philcox, and should only wear the shoulder pads in a white two piece suit while attending an 80's Miami Vice party.

Ultimately, it all hinges on the first game. It is a must win contest for the Browns. If they lose against the newly coached Steampitts, Quinn will be starting be game 4-6. If by some miracle Frye/Anderson beats them, then we'll be in our comfort zone.

MB- Comfort Zone?

God- If there's a place the Cleveland Fans know better than a two-way QB controversy, it's a menage-a-tois of QB controversy.

MB- Wow, good stuff God. Thanks again for stopping by, it's been a real pleasure.

God- No prob

MB-Hey, Wait! God?

God- Yeah?

MB- Where's Hoffa?

God- New Castle, Pennsylvania.

MB- Poor schmuck.

Charlie Frye found with Brady Quinn Voodoo Doll

2007-06-01T02:17:21Z

Charlie Frye was the last thing on Brady Quinn's mind as he exited the 'Structure' at Beachwood Mall. In a sarcastic effort to appease world class ass kisser Joe Theisman, Quinn was in the process of purchasing a brand new wardrobe with LT Joe Thomas.

Theisman's unwarranted dig at the newest QB of the Browns did not stop with just an open criticism to the media.

"Joe called my cell and gave me some suggestions on where to shop and cut my hair." Quinn sheepishly told the media on Monday " He told me J-Crew and Best Cuts were a good start to, you know, look more "All-American". He said I should try to look whiter than Mike Tirico and Bryant Gumbel playing Frisbee at a Dave Matthew's Concert."

Quinn took the pompous remarks in stride, picking up some nice pleated pants and a pastel dress shirt at Structure. But as he left the store, he was met face to face with Browns scrappy QB #1 Charlie Frye.

Charlie, donning a 2Pac t-shirt with Carhart overalls, was coming out of the Ye Olde Fair Mustache Trimming Shoppe with TE Kellen Winslow and WR Braylon Edwards.

The initial meeting was quite cordial as the two QB's made small talk about Corey Snyder, Brook Jacoby and Bernie Kosar.

They seemed to hit it off, slowly drifting away from the rest of their teammates, finding a wooden bench across from Orange Julius to sit and chat.

It was reported that KWII and Joe Thomas made their way to the food court to see who could "bench press more soccer moms".

Yung Ping Pong, a sampler for Asian Food, Yum!, had this to say about KW and Joe Thomas.

"You try bourbon chicken?"

After many attempts to sign language and dramatically annunciate Kellen Winslow 2, Yung finally understood and replied:

"Man on clutches, he rift sevren radies. Man smell fishy, he rift six radies. Man on clutches wrin. Fatality. Bourbon Chicken?"

Braylon Edwards was seen in the parking lot playing air catch by himself. He was overheard repeating his new mantra " Don't leave your damn feet, catch with your damn hands" over and over and again.

Fabriccio Marichelli, a hair dresser at Best Cuts, saw the newly acquainted QB's chatting together and thought something was up.

"I gave the Abercrombie looking one a hair cut earlier this morning. He told me some old mediocre QB, made famous by a broken leg, was spouting off trivialities about his hair. I gave him a nice typical franchise QB look. Before I could sweep up, the scrappy one with the bad mustache ran in, grabbed a lock of hair off the floor, and bolted. I thought it was kind of unusual, but hey, I work at a mall. I see weird shit everyday."

Apparently the fresh relationship became seriously uncomfortable when Chuck and Brady decided to swap numbers. Brady programmed Chuck into his shiny new Black Berry.

Charlie dug around in his overall pockets for a pen and paper when a small little doll fell out.

Brady looked down in horror at a miniature figure with his exact likeness. At this point, Charlie apparently picked up the doll, scrambled right, held on to it too long, fumbled it twice, threw it end over end towards a trash can only to be picked off by a janitor, and was accidentally sacked by the proprietor of Piercing Pagoda. Par for the course.

Quinn talked about watching his future mentor bumble around the mall.

"Aw you know Charlie's a good guy. He's a hard competitor and I thought he looked real good avoiding that stand with the microwave-able aromatic pillows."

Brady went on to talk about the voodoo doll.

"Really I'm just glad to have an answer for these painful burns, stabbing pains and overall feelings of dread."

Fabriccio was questioned on whether the voodoo doll incident was the weirdest thing he's ever seen at the mall.

"Nope. I've seen Kirstie Alley's balls."

Something is Wrong

2007-05-10T13:36:36Z

The original name for this blog was ' A crazy person's chronicles of Christmas in April'.

But I scrapped it.

The doomed blog was an hourly updated diary of giddy anticipation and weirdness starting last Friday at Noon, and ending with the Browns' 3rd round pick on Saturday.

It was a wide array of tom foolery, like the idea for an advent calendar with a draft motif for grown men. Instead of little chocolates or cutesy prizes it would be chalk full of sample size Scotch, Beef Jerky, Smoked Kielbasa, and the last day (draft day) would reveal the final piece to the easy-assemble Jessica Biel Robot.

I wanted Joe "The Fish" Thomas if Russell wasn't there.

We got him.

But alas, something precarious happened soon after. The blog was not to be, it blew up in my face.

As the ashes of seamlessly threaded analogies mending Brady Quinn's good looks to the followers of Notretology & L. Ron Hubbard (who sat in a cupboard) cleared, humility was revealed.

I was shocked, amazed and time-release ecstatic.

Savage traded back in. You know the rest.

Cleveland was the talk of the nation.

Every sportstalk channel had something good to say about what Savage did day one. I live in New York City, but for the weekend it felt like good old local Cleveland news. I half expected Dick Goddard to update me on the weather in the snow belt.

There were no funny quips/sarcastic anecdotes to be had from this lifelong cynic.

The Cavs had quietly and expectantly swept the depleted Wizards.

The Tribe is still in first place and the Yankees are crumbling.
The Browns had potentially the greatest draft in franchise history.

And on a personal note, I came within 10 feet of Christopher Walkin (Wowwee!) at a Tribeca Film Fest. after party on Fri.
Pure euphoria.

Would it end?

Probably, but things became even more satisfying Tuesday afternoon in the cafeteria at work.

As I sat alone eating some zesty soup, listening to 3 guys talk about the draft at a table next to me, I heard the unthinkable.

"Man, Cleveland had a stellar draft."
"Tell me about it."
"I can't believe they picked up Brady at 22."
"Joe Thomas was a great pick-up. Just like D'Brickshaw."
"You know, the Browns can make a run at the playoffs this year."
"Lewis, Winslow, Edwards and now Quinn at QB and Thomas protecting, they'll be pretty good."

What?

Something is wrong here.

You're not supposed to say that. You're supposed to make fun of us, demean us, make a Tim Couch reference, not give us praise and say those glorious words PLAYOFFS.

All this went through my head, surprising me, and I began to choke.

I sucked some soup down the wrong pipe. Not in a "I'll be okay in a second" kind of way but an embarrassing "Oh shit this hurts, I have Udon soup in my lungs" kind of way.

I did what my mom taught me at an early age, put your arms up "so big".

So there I was, red faced, choking, and giving the international sign for a touchdown to my anonymous co-workers.

Touchdown Cleveland. If only for a weekend, it's about f'n time.

2007 Mock Amuck Contest Winners

2007-04-14T17:57:04Z

Well the 2007 Mock Amuck contest has finally come to an end. (slow clap) I would like to thank everyone who participated in this fun little endeavor, my decision was a tough one. So tough in fact, that I have decided to award EVERYONE who entered a prize. YAY, WooHoo!

If you would like to redeem your prize, simply PM me (in the OBR forums or the Muni Blogs, either one) your info and I will send you something Brownsish in the mail...... along with heaps of junk coupons promoting erection pills, reflexology and $5 off car washes at Pepe's Wash and Clean in Queens, NY. Kidding of course.

So everyone gets a prize BUT, there were a couple of stand-outs that I narrowed down and had the all trust worthy #19 jersey pick a winner from.

Congrats to Toad, Bernie pulled your name from the Mesh-back Indians hat making you the Grand Prize winner of an authentic Jim Brown signed 8X10.

Thanks again to everyone who entered, I will be running contests throughout the year so if you missed out on this one, don't fret.

GO BROWNS!

Geologist concludes Cleveland really built on Rock and Roll

2007-04-05T14:30:24Z

LO Starship! Your life changing lyrics about San Francisco built on the greatest music genre have come true, only it wasn't San Fran, you were a few thousand miles off.

As the excavation of an independent KFC restaurant in downtown Cleveland continued this morning, Parma native/Geologist Travis Winochowski found something very interesting deep under Chester Avenue .

“Well, we took some samples from under the KFC early last week that returned some remarkable results.”

Those remarkable results?

“Initial tests reveal that the city of Cleveland is indeed built on a peculiar mixture of limestone and Rock n’ Roll.”

The KFC being leveled has come under heavy criticism from neighbors and employees as of late. Apparently, “odd smells”, “strange lookin’ dudes” and “constant loud music” have made the block of Chester and East 13^th “pretty unbearable”.

Jamal Jones, a full-time employee at the KFC, gave his accounts of working at the temporarily defunct chain.

“Man, every night around 6 or 7 the party gets started. The first time I heard the music, I thought some local band was playing in the parking lot. I looked around, but no one was back there, the music just got louder and louder inside.”

Jamal claims he would just try to ignore the noise.

“It was loudest in the Men’s room behind the kitchen, it sounded like the toilets were haunted by Hendrix or something. Man, I was scared half to shit. After a couple days or so, I started smelling the pot smoke with the music and knew those poltergeist cats were pretty OK, hehe, nah mean?”

Winochowski has a theory about the problem at the KFC site and surrounding area.

“Well, further research will substantiate the existence of 3 main layers of Rock and Roll supporting the city. The bottom layer is mostly made up of melted Heavy Metals with a magmas consistency. Above that is Hard Rock, the vastly cultivated layer that has gone soft from under water river erosion, commercialization and “Coreporatazation” (Awful awful pun, sorry)

As Winochowski laid claim to his theory, a large Orange van full of rowdy Browns fans pulled onto the site, where a grill was instantly fired up next to a quickly escalated game of Corn-Hole. Soon after, a large sea of Orange and Brown had collected, partying around the grounds.

“Well, the upper crust foundation is a Classic Rock mix, fused with Cream, Zeppelin & Floyd sediments, separated by thin sheets of Sex & Drugs.”

Mr. Winochowski retrieved a large silver flask from his construction coat, uncapped it and took a healthy pull.

“Apparently the KFC sewer system penetrated the Classic Rock layer, creating some good tunes and copious amounts of……smoke. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a month until the draft and 5 months until kick-off, time to start tailgating.”

Grace Slick, former co-lead singer of Starship was asked about the findings under Cleveland .

“The song is like, a metaphor, for all cities across American. Or like, just the ones that we can like, book a gig in. Seriously though, I’m like broke and need some cash. This painting thing isn’t like, working out. Royalties are slim. Can we play The Odeon? Is that like, even there? The Agora? Anywhere please, we’ll play that parking lot for God Sakes. Like”

A voice mail statement from Gavin Newsome, current mayor of San Francisco, claims San Fran is not built on Rock n’ Roll but sits on a shaky foundation of “Adultery and Earthquakes”.

Huey Lewis, a geographic Rock n’ Roll anatomist, has claimed the heart of rock n’ roll is in several cities across America . When asked if he thinks it might just be somewhere in Ohio , proclaimed “Heart of it All".

“Sure, if they pay me the $100,000.00 playing fee, I’ll think anything.”

It should be noted traces of Huey Lewis minerals were never found at the KFC site.

Hines Ward kidnaps baby for Steroid Trade-off

2007-03-24T14:13:31Z

Pittsburgh, PA

The day started out normal for little Johnny Wile, watched some cartoons, ate some semi-solid food for breakfast, played with an ancient lite-bright, was kidnapped by an NFL star.

What this? Kidnapped?

The perplexing tale unfolded at an autograph session at Champs sporting goods in downtown Pittsburgh yesterday, as 10-15 Steeler faithful gathered to get autographs from the pencil thin mustachioed Ward, where his normally cheerful demeanor took a dark, twisted turn.

“Everything was cool, kind of slow with all the fair weathered fans not being around anymore, just your average run-of-the-mill autograph session.”, said Jessica Morris, regional P.R. Rep. for Champs.

“The Wile family was like 5^th in line, I remember them because I had to tell the parents to put out their cigarettes. The Dad had a huge jug of moonshine hooked around his finger, and the baby that got kidnapped in the crook of his arm, like a football. We had to confiscate the booze. The mom looked like a pug dog, all googly-eyed and mixed up. It seemed like one of “those” families.”

The predator in Hines Ward took full advantage, exploiting the parent’s incompetence. After posing for a picture and signing “Johnny’s belly”, Ward went to hand the kid back. That’s where things got weird.

“Next thing I know, Mr. Ward is sprinting passed the Easter Bunny out the door, stiff arming security guards and children along the way.”

Johnny was gone. Ward had taken the kid with him. The Wile family thought it was ......funny.

“Der Ya, we had a reeeal good laugh. I warsh clothes and red up tables. Hines Wards is a good player. Oh my Gawd. He makes touchdown. Me happy, duh. Yinz want moonshine?”

When it was explained that their child had just been kidnapped:

“Hahahaha. Hines funny, Bye bye John-John.”

Ward hopped in a sports car and sped to the Pittsburgh airport, where he took the awaiting Rooney family jet to LAX.

Steeler’s regular pilot, Captain John Reeves, was hesitant about flying with the highly volatile Ward.

“I was told to fly Hines to Cali, but he wasn't being his normal self. He was very demanding and extremely disturbed. I’ve seen the guy a hundred times and never saw him so angry. He was sweating profusely, muttering gibberish to that weird looking kid he had with him, he was acting like a crack addict.”

Crack no, steroids, maybe…...

The Steelers medical staff was recently put under heavy scrutiny by the FDA officials a month or so back.

One of the teams head physicians, Richard A. Rydze, had purchased an exorbitant amount of human growth hormones on his personal credit card. The story was instantly buried by the NFL/media due the potential domino effect it could create and the high respect for the Rooney family, who coincidentally, bought their last Super Bowl win on the same credit card Rydze used to buy the HGHs.

Flying into California, Captain Reeves became more concerned about his passengers well being upon their descent into LAX.

“We were given the green light to fly by the Rooney's. I told him (Ward) not to use his cell phone, but he insisted on using it the whole trip and during landing. The kid was getting all cranky, I really felt for him *shudder* ...so weird looking. Ward kept calling "Snakes", who he was talking to about trading X-amount of “stuff” for a “perfectly good white kid.”

Captain Reeves alerted the flight tower about the situation, who then alerted the authorities that were waiting for Ward at the gate.

Hines was taken in for psychiatric evaluation, and later transferred to Promises rehab center with starlet/Pink Floyd’s The Wall fanatic Britney ‘Cesarean’ Spears. The boy was given up willingly by Ward who overheard saying,

"You take the ugly little bastard, couldn't get me more than a weeks supply for him anyways."

Asked if he felt guilty about turning in the troubled Ward, Captain Reeves replied:

“Hell no, I’m a Browns fan, I’ve been waiting my whole career for this.”

One person who was more than happy to comply with our questions about the Steelers and their HGH implications, former Steelers QB and current cabaret star/drag queen, Kordell Stewart:

“Why do think Hinesth isth alwaysth sthmiling, he’sth on drugsth.”

*Asked to tone it down for editorial reasons, “Sash” continued with a list of people he knew were taking steroids on the Steelers squad.*

“Bill Cower, HGH fiend. The spittle and spray are a side effect. He used to have a normal sloping chin with impeccable annunciation. Joey Porter, Bubby Brister, Bubby Brister’s father was a HUGE roid junkie. Umm, Big Ben of course, The Bus used unleaded HGH. Bradshaw. Pretty much everyone that played on winning Steeler teams."

When inquired about what Ward’s mother might say about the situation:

“He’s not even Korean, that woman is his dry cleaning lady. He uses the Korean thing as a cover to get the good Asian “stuff” smuggled over here easier."

It is unknown whether this is Ward's first attempt at Child for Steroid swap.

"Fugly" Johnny Wile was flown back to Pittsburgh in good spirits and health. Even though he gave everyone big old "heebie jeebies", the flight attendants and EMTs kept a close eye on the boy, but not too close.

2007 Mock Amuck Contest

2007-03-20T20:32:06Z

Now that the log-in is all fixed (Barry is synonymous with awesome, it's been researched and verified by actual Scientists) and we’re no longer anonymous Nulls, the 1^st Annual Mock Amuck Contest can begin!

I must admit, this time of year never fails to amaze me. Some of the most incredibly ludicrous draft scenarios are spun in an anxious, anticipatory boredom during this lull.

Occasionally I find myself leaning towards them, agreeing, guilty of what Ren Hoek & Stimpleton J. Cat coined as ‘Space Madness’.

“Maybe a triple trade down would feasibly work, that would be soooo many draft picks…oh how I love draft picks…..NO, NO STOP IT! SNAP OUT OF IT MAN! EEGADS!"

Hey, it happens to the best of us.

Sure, the Tribe, Lebron & Bucks B-Ball may ease your mind, but admit it you’re a Browns fan first. No matter what you do that #3 spot is always there in the back of your brain, like that little old lady from Poltergeist, creeping you the hell out.

If you suffer from similar symptoms, I offer a temporary release from your Madness.

Here we go, it’s fairly simple.

THE CONTEST

Write a draft scenario for the Browns first 2 picks (or 3, your choice) and that’s it! Pick your draftee and write a small blurb on why you chose that person. Easy!

The difference between this Mock Amuck Draft and a regular Mock Draft, is you can pick anyone in the history of the world that ever existed, real or fiction, EXCEPT SOMEONE FROM THIS DRAFT CLASS. No AD, no Thomas, No Quinn, no one from the 2007 draft or you will be disqualified.

Example: you could pick, say, Jim Brown the greatest running back ever, with the first pick. Which is very, very obvious and not really that creative at all.

Or, you could pick Abe Lincoln. Or Prince Adams, Master of the Universe with the first pick. He’s the most powerful man in the Universe, 6’5’’ with incredible mobility and speed/ has a sword wielding rocket-arm. Plus, his sister is really hot which could help the fan morale.

I will be judging the contest and giving away a prize(s) for best, most creative submission and PMing the winner(s).

I’m not sure if I’ll do a 1^st 2^nd 3^rd place type of thing, depending on how many folks actually enter and how broke I am.

In case of a tie breaker, my old Kosar Jersey will be the deciding judge. (Yes, I have conversations with my #19 jersey, so what?)

Your chances of winning are pretty high, so get to it and good luck. If you have questions see the FAQ section below, or leave me a message and as always, GO BROWNS!

FAQ

“When does the contest end?”

Sunday April 15^th, 12:59:19 pm

“How many times can I enter.”

One time. So make it good

"What's the prize if I win?"

I'm not sure yet, depends on how much I blow at the bar this month. Rest assured, it will be cool and "Brownsy".

"If I win, will you use the personal info I give to stalk me?"

Most likely

“I’m not creative, what should I do?”

Go to the store, buy a 6-pack of Coors Banquet Tall Boys, drink them all REAL quick like, relax, aaaaaand post an entry. Unless you’re under 21, then switch Coors Tall Boys with regular Miller High Lifes, the SHAMPAG-NA of beer.

“Who the hell are you and why are you doing this?”

I’m Batman, because I’m f’n awesome.

“I’m a Ravens/Steeler/Bengals fan, can I enter?”

F*@k You.

Raiders draft 11 year old Wisconsin girl, Mindy Chidreck, with #1 pick

2007-03-17T16:11:48Z

Unbe-fuckin-lievable.

Those were the words sputtered collectively by the handful of Silver and Black faithful, gathered to witness the draft on Saturday.

Al Davis had just thrown the weirdest curve ball in the history of the NFL. It swung around the plate, looped around like a boomerang, and headed straight out into left field, stupefying the Black-Hole die hards.

This incredible news was dropped by newly elected commissioner Roger Goodall, who, was just as shocked as the rest of the country.

Just as LSU QB Jamarcus Russell was fixing his tie, the following words rang out, silencing the nation:

"With the number pick of the 2007 NFL draft, the Oakland Raiders select..........Mindy Chidreck???"

Gasps rang out. Disarray ensued

Chris Berman choked back the guttural "DA RAYDAS" scream he had been practicing for 5 months straight.

Mel Kiper stammered through Mindy's upside and negatives, trying to justify his big board, sweating off his fake widows peak.

John Clayton spontaneously combusted, (some guy clapped for this, actually 2 or 30 million guys slow-clapped collectively) proving once and for all that John Clayton is nothing but a flaming ass puppet.

As the smell of burnt puppet meat wafted towards the rafters in New York, outraged reporters in Oakland descended upon wheel-chair bound Raiders owner Al Davis.

"Mr. Davis, what the hell are you thinking?" one reporter pleaded.

Under a pair of black Ray-Bans and Michael Jackson-esque umbrella, a cold concise answer was lain.

"Simple. I'm dying and I need virgin blood to live."

With that, the owner stood up warily, levitated, then quickly hovered across the parking lot and into an unmarked black limousine. A hardy "BLAH!, BLAH!" was heard before the limo door shut.

A spokesperson for the Raiders had this to say about the situation:

"Mr. Davis has decided it best for the organization to draft someone willing to give up their blood for this team...................ehem, literally. Ms. Chidreck will be offered #1 pick type money to be available for non-fatal "extraction" anytime during the season. As you all know, Mr. Davis is a vampire that has been sucking the life out of this organization for years. This is not that different. Mindy gives us, or just Al really, new life and new hope for years to come. Thank you and I resign, as of right now."

A message was left with the Van Helsing's of Stuttgart, Germany.

Mr. Savage, Cleveland Browns GM, was available for a comment. Donning a large wreath of garlic around his neck, a giant foam Crucifix on his head, and a bottle of Poland Springs Holy Water, about the strange events,

"What the fuck was that all about? Do you know how hard this draft is? I get to pick after a fucking retard AND a Vampire. Great! Does anyone have a four sided die? ANYONE? There's too many holes on my team for this BULLSHIT! He was supposed to take RUSSELL! I'm trading down, that's it trading down, call Houston, STAT!."

A call was also made to the Chidreck's of Racine, Wisconsin. A confused Mindy answered, barely holding it together.

"That's the scary man that comes to my window at night. I don't want him *sniff* to *sniff* take my blood *audible sobbing*"

Unblah-fucking-lievable.

Phil Savage forgets he's a Brown, drunk dials Jamal Lewis

2007-03-09T16:41:00Z

Independence, OH (Obsolete Chi-Chi's Restaurant) - It will go down as one of the more famous drinking binges in the new era of the Cleveland Browns. GM Phil Savage took full advantage of "Fiesta Hour" at the local Chi-Chi's on Rockside Road in Independence this week, leaving him groggy, hung-over and a running back heavier.

What started as an innocent break from free agency took a turn for the worst when Savage reached double digits in Margarita consumption.

"Yeah, he was fine when he came in, but got pretty messed up fast. He put his cell phone on the bar and stared at it the whole time he drank. ", said Pauly Ross, part time host and assistant bar manager.

"We have a happy hour from 4-7pm, an all you can drink Margarita special for $15 ... he drank all our Margaritas."

Bartender Thad Barnes was working that night, and had this to say about Savage: "Oh Man that dude was trrrrashed! I kept givin him drinks cause he was slingin me Browns tickets like singles. I'm gonna sell them on Ebay and make a KILLING!"

When asked about the drunken phone call: "Ya, he was starin at that phone all night. Got all teary eyed and kept sayin, it'll make things weird, it'll make things weird. Don't know what he meant by it, but he finally just picked it up and called some dude named Jamal. It was sad, like an ex-girlfriend type of thing ya know? I felt bad, so I gave him a free Jaeger bomb."

Apparently the call went to enemy figurehead RB Jamal Lewis from the Coltimore Ravens, in which Savage set up a meeting the next day.

"After the call he was all happy and shit. He ate all the salsa and chips then bailed." Continued Thad

"I got ripped off man, I checked Ebay, those tickets ainÂt worth nothing."

It's unclear as to where Savage went next; some witnesses say he was at Quaker Steak in Valley View, shooting flaming Dr. Peppers. Others say he went to the local strip club, where he continued to give out Browns tickets like dollar bills.

What we do know is that the next day, Jamal Lewis was signed to a 1-year deal with the Browns. Savage was seen briefly, with dark glasses and bottled water, walking sluggishly from his office where he commented concisely on the signing.

"Lewis ... better than Droughns... skull.. ow shit... don't be such haters.. I'm a genius .. touchdown."

Savage then sprinted passed the press down the hall to the Men's lavatory, where strange guttural noises were heard for several minutes.

It may seem weird to the Cleveland fans to have such a hated rival on the team, but beggars can't be choosers, and the residents of Cleveland have been begging for far too long.

When asked what he would say to Jamal Lewis if he came in, Pauly replied "I would say welcome to Chi-Chi's."

Indeed, welcome to Chi-Chi's Jamal.

New Browns Cheerleaders to adopt "Woe is me" attitude.

2007-02-26T14:20:52Z

Cleveland Browns owner Randy ÂThe BurnerÂ Lerner has announced that Lake Erienites will finally have something to cheer about this upcoming season.
New Cheerleaders.
"Most Clevelanders will hate the idea, but there's a little something different about these girls that I think the people of this city might enjoy." Randy hinted at a presser this week.

While most sports teams have slim bodied, rah-rah eye candy on the sidelines, the Browns organization have taken a much different approach.

"The girls will react just as the most loyal fans in the Dawg Pound would, apathetically, woeful, but mostly pissed-off and drunk. And let's be honest, they ain't the best lookin' bunch either." Lerner replied with a chuckle.

Randy went on to clarify.
"For example, take Stephanie here," He gestured to the "grenade" in the corner. " we found her down in Akron at some seedy strip joint. She's a chain-smoking, whiskey drinkin', Steeler hater who will look great in dimly lit night games. What more do you want??"

At which point someone in the room mumbled "Night games."

The reaction of Cleveland fans should be interesting considering the long tenure without adult sideline fixtures.
When asked about the new addition, Browns general manager Phil Savage walked silently into a nearby office with his head down, where a muffled gunshot was later heard.

"I'm justh ready to f*&^$## get out there and f#@@ some s%$# up! I know we probly wonÂt f#$%#% win, but you know......at least weÂll start some s$%t.Â Slurred Stephanie, The Captain of the new Browns squad.

We're with you Stephanie, we're with you.

Don't pick lemons.
See all the new 2007 cars at Yahoo! Autos.