Have you ever dreamed of being one of those data nerds that the hot chick FBI agent comes to when she needs someone to instantly look up some background info or criminal records on the computer?
Have you ever been talking with friends and trying to remember when whatshisface from whichever team got arrested for doing whatever, but can't remember the details?
Well, be prepared to satisfy the urgent needs of demanding hot chick FBI agents and/or impress your friends.
The good folks at the San Diego Union-Tribune have compiled a database of arrests and citations involving NFL players from 2000-2008. (Or as I like to call it, "The Whale Vagina U-Trib's Online NFL Crime-o-Base.")
While its creators admit it may not have everything, due to "elusive public records" or the fact that some incidents may not have been reported, it nevertheless catalogs 360 (and counting) events involving felonious footballers, gridiron gangstas, and glug-glugging gladiators in the 7+ years since the Y2K bug failed to cause Armageddon.
The Crime-o-Base lists the date, the name of the player, his team at the time, his position, a description of the incident and charges, and the resolution of the incident.
Here are the ways you can sort the data in the Whale Vagina U-Trib's Online NFL Crime-o-Base:
BY DATE: You can start with Denver WR Rod Smith's January 24, 2000, arrest for choking and hitting his Babies' Momma, and finish with Jacksonville DE Justin Hawkins' January 14, 2008, arrest for DUI after drinking three vodka and orange juices.
BY (First) NAME: You can start with Cincinnati LB A.J. Nicholson's charges for burglarizing the apartment of a former Florida State teammate, and finish Kansas City OT Willie Roaf's arrest for suspicion of driving under the influence.
BY TEAM: Start with Arizona and read about Bidwell's Ne'er-Do-Wells, then finish with Washington and read about Snyder's Cop-Car-Riders.
BY POSITION: Start with cornerbacks getting arrested for illegal contact, then finish with wide receivers on the outside running the risk of becoming wide receivers on the inside.
BY INCIDENT: For a truly random approach, search by incident, where you can start with "(John) Abraham was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated after his Hummer was involved in a crash in Baldwin, N.Y.", and finish with "(Ricky) Williams had outstanding arrest warrants for a prior traffic violation and failure to appear in court. Trooper pulled him over for improperly signaling lane change."
BY RESOLUTION: Another random approach for your reading pleasure. After several blanks, you can start with "$366 fine for disorderly conduct" and finish with "weapons charges dropped."
All in all, the Whale Vagina U-Trib's Online NFL Crime-o-Base is a wonderful gift to the world, whether you are a serious journalist, a smack-talking fan, or Marvin Lewis keeping tabs on your team's off-season training program.