(Note: I don't know how to make an accent mark over the "e", but the title is using the word "expose" in the "investigative report" sense and not the "Pee Wee Herman" sense.)

On Sunday, January 20, the Plain Dealer ran a very scary piece titled "Rich, Talented, and Vulnerable." Jodie Valade's article was accompanied by an ominous illustration of an athlete with a red target on his back, like a NASCAR sponsorship or something.

The basic premise of the article is that it's scary business being a professional athlete. For example, people sometimes try to follow Cavaliers' superstar LeBron James home. The elite, nitrous-boosted few that can keep pace force James to drive around aimlessly so as not to betray the exact location of his residence/barbershop/casino.

Another startling story was the tale of Browns' lineman Ryan Tucker, who was once the victim of a trespasser. (Seriously.) A woman was abducted and raped at a nearby mall, and she was then dumped in a vacant lot next to Tucker's house. (Seriously.) She went to the nearest house, which happened to be Tucker's, and pleaded for help. (Seriously.) Tucker deemed this incident to be "the source of (his) paranoia", which caused him to "Fort Knox the place." (Seriously.)

Never again will the abducted, traumatized victim of a violent sex crime desperately wander onto his property seeking help from the first person she can find. To combat this sort of thing, and I'm assuming those pesky Jehova's Witnesses as well, Tucker has installed 20 surveillance cameras on his property. That's a lot of cameras. That might be more than the guy from the "Saw" movies.

Due to space limitations caused by an overabundance of tepid Terry Pluto musings that day, the Plain Dealer could not provide as in-depth an article as Cow Patties: The Blog would like to see. To that end, I am happy to look at some additional security problems that athletes encounter and the measures that are undertaken to neutralize those threats.

Problem: Insufficient canine security.
Solution: Meaner dogs.

To be fair, the PD did mention that guard dogs are often "the first line of defense" of an athlete's home. However, the truth is that it's not as simple as buying a large dog and having it patrol the grounds. Although not yet standard procedure, it is theoretically possible that attack dogs could become an intruder's first line of offense. Much like an intruder would expect to bring a gun while breaking into the home of a known gun owner, intruders could bring their own attack dogs to neutralize the guard dogs found at athletes' houses.

This is why some prescient athletes, such as Michael Vick, took great care to train pit bulls to kill other pit bulls. If an intruder scales a wall and drops a vicious pit bull onto your property, the last thing you want if you're an athlete is to have your pit bull mauled to death by the other pit bull while the intruder hotwires one of your Bentleys. By using such innovative devices as a "rape stand" and a "cattle prod butt dildo", you can train pit bulls that can not only maul other pit bulls, but can also disfigure a child for life in just seconds. (As an added benefit, this will keep frisbee-related trespassing to a minimum.)

Some athletes, and here again we will use Michael Vick as an example, follow our president's notion that it is better to "fight the enemy over there instead of in our own back yard." This is why Vick would occasionally meet with criminals and have his pit bulls attempt to maul their pit bulls in a neutral setting.

(He also sometimes staged these events literally in his own back yard, but he was probably high at the time and got confused.)

Problem: Insufficient personal strength.
Solution: Steroids.

Barry Bonds was always hell on home intruders. He would pick up a baseball bat and clobber them with that sweet swing of his. But after seeing what Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa did to burglars during the Crime Wave of '98, Bonds decided to take steroids. Pretty soon, he was smashing burglars farther than he ever had before, and rewrote many cherished home protection records. Bonds became so feared that when he stood at home with a bat in his hand, an intentional walk was the most likely result. The burglar would intentionally walk to a neighbor's house and rob them instead. Problem solved.

Problem: Injuries.
Solution: Human Growth Hormone.

The PD article notes that since home and road schedules are well-known, it is public knowledge when to break into an athlete's house. That's true, but the paper gives away so much more than that.

For example, another piece of public knowledge that is useful to a would-be assailant is the injury report. It's the equivalent of a lioness opening the paper and reading about which gazelle fawns have gimpy legs.

Back in 2002, it was well publicized that New York Yankees pitcher Andy Pettitte was on the disabled list with a bad elbow, which would obviously negate his karate-chopping and nunchuck skills. Knowing that without nunchucks, he would be unable to defend himself against the type of knife-point muggings and 3-on-1 physical assaults that give New York much of its charm, Pettitte took Human Growth Hormone. HGH has miraculously healed many athletes who took it not to gain a competitive edge, but for self-defense purposes only.

Problem: Seen as a "nice guy" who might be a passive victim.
Solution: Domestic violence.

If you've ever read a newspaper, you'll know that this is a very popular security strategy that has been used by countless athletes. Even Kirby Puckett! The idea is that if an athlete demonstrates that he is willing to beat up one of the few dozen women who regularly provide him with orgasms, this does not bode well for the chances of a random, unknown, non-orgasm-providing assailant. 

The reverse of this strategy is also effective. Knowing that his wife would be home alone more often than he would, Chuck Finley allowed Tawny Kitaen to beat him with the business end of a stiletto-heeled shoe.

Problem: Unsavory characters gaining home access through house parties.
Solution: Do not invite teammates to parties at your house.

It is tempting for some athletes to resume inviting teammates to parties at their house once they have been traded from the Bengals, but as proven by the Online NFL Crime-o-Base, it's still a very bad idea, no matter which team you're on.

Problem: The ravages of old age.
Solution: More steroids.

This is a new phenomenon in the world of athletic danger. Most older athletes did not make much money, relatively speaking, and have therefore not traditionally been the target of thieves. It has been in the news a lot lately that thanks to union stinginess, older NFL players do not have much money after paying for new hips, knees, canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. Even the most hardened criminal recognizes that these broke, busted-up gladiators should be left alone since only the wheelchairs have any black market value, and even then only if they are the motorized kind.

However, now that multi-million dollar salaries and bonuses are the norm, today's athletes run the risk of becoming crime victims as they physically deteriorate into feeble has-beens. This is why some athletes opt to reverse the aging process by going through hard workouts with their personal trainers who stab them in the back by confessing that they stabbed them in the butt with steroids.

Despite being in his mid-4os, Roger Clemens is able to hurl billiard balls at home invaders as if he were still in his 20s. Clemens has denied enhancing his home protection prowess as he hit middle age, but that's just blatant crazy-talk designed to entice would-be burglars to break in through his billiards room. He enjoys throwing balls at their heads in a fit of rage. That's the type of anti-crime competitor he is.

Problem: People always be fuckin' with you an' shit.
Solution: Act crazy as fuck.

Although not recommended by most athlete-security experts, Ron Artest and Adam "Pacman" Jones have taken the approach that sometimes you just have to punch some pasty NBA YuppieFans or shoot up a strip club in order to ensure that everybody leaves you the fuck alone.

While these are common solutions to everyday security problems encountered by pro athletes, I'm sad to say that none of them are foolproof. Sometimes people still steal athletes' stuff, which is why O.J. Simpson is pioneering a new vigilante justice program, whereby an athlete can assemble a crack team of gun-toting flunkies who kick in hotel room doors with their weapons drawn, thus allowing the athlete to make a persuasive argument for the return of the stolen goods. It's still in the research and development and criminal jurisprudence phase, but if the test case is favorable, it could become the emergency "morning-after pill" to be used when the conventional measures of prevention have failed.