As anyone who has read my blathering in the "Cow Patties From Columbus" series on the Orange and Brown Report already knows, TV scheduling is nightmare for football fans in Columbus. With split allegiances and only one network showing a majority of those games, difficult decisions must be made and there are many unhappy fans.
But once football season is over, Columbus is a very generous TV market. From spring to fall, we get a combined 300 or so baseball broadcasts involving Ohio teams. And even during the winter, we get all of the broadcasts involving the Cavaliers and the Blue Jackets, even if their schedules conflict.
Tonight was one of those conflict dates, with the Jackets facing off against the Minnesota Wild at 7:00pm and the Cavaliers tipping off against the Los Angeles Clippers at 7:30pm. Here in Columbus, the Blue Jackets aired on FSN Ohio, and the FSN Ohio broadcast of the Cavaliers game was moved to the Time Warner bulletin board channel, which is occasionally listed in the paper as "FSN alt."
So, as I often do when this happens, I tried to watch two games at once tonight. I have no real formula when I do this. I tend to flip between broadcasts during commercials, and I favor whichever game is closer or is holding my attention more.
This is how it went tonight...
7:00pm-- What's worse than "The Heat Is On" by Glenn Frey? A cover version of "The Heat Is On" by someone else. FSN Ohio went with the latter in their opening sequence for tonight's Jackets game.
7:02pm-- Color analyst Danny Gare says the key to the game will be for the Jackets to "play to win." He's not the best color man in the league for nothing!
7:10pm-- The opening faceoff is being delayed due to a goal light malfunction. The fire truck lights behind the Minnesota goal are flashing as if a goal has been scored. Nobody can seem to get them turned off. It's a stupid delay, but not quite as stupid as the delay in the Cavaliers' game at LA, when workers left some wet clothes on a catwalk and they dripped water onto the court, causing Bill Walton to discuss the structural integrity of the Staples Center, as well as standard roof repair procedures in Southern California. If you missed it, Walton's discourse was less intelligent than you'd imagine it to be.
7:30pm-- Minnesota takes a 1-0 lead on a crap goal. The Wild won the draw in the Columbus end, and then defenseman Kurtis Foster flipped a weak wrist shot from the blue line that managed to float through traffic and bamboozle Jackets goalie Freddie Norena. It was the hockey equivalent of a seeing-eye single inside-the-park homerun. Yuck.
7:36pm-- Every time I have flipped to the Cavaliers, I have flipped just as they were going to commercial. However, both times I was treated to a "coming up" graphic. The first was, "Coming up: DJ for 3!!!". Normally, that would be a fairly optimistic guess as to his minutes, but now that everybody is hurt, the broadcasters are fairly confident that he will be chucking some three-pointers tonight. The second teaser was, "Coming up: Senior Sam", as if the promise of having color images of ugly (and old) Sam Cassel beamed directly into your home is a compelling reason to put down the remote and keep it glued to the Cavs' broadcast.
7:43pm-- The rims are mic'ed extra loud tonight. Every time the Cavs have shot the ball thus far, it has sounded as if someone is getting hauled off of the Gong Show. Any bets on who will be swinging the biggest mallet tonight?
7:44pm-- Zydrunas Ilgauskas recovered a loose ball and dribbled it forward to get past the timeline. It just hit me that that's something you never see. Centers normally dribble while walking backward a few inches at a time. Having now seen a center dribbling forward in the open court, about the only thing that is more awkward in all of sports is when an offensive lineman catches a tipped pass and tried to advance the ball.
7:48pm-- End of the first period. Minnesota 1, Columbus 0.
7:52pm-- Jim Day interviews Manny Malhotra, who says that chances are hard to come by because it is more of a possession game, so the Jackets will have to keep the puck more to neutralize Minnesota's speed through the neutral zone. I always love these intermission interviews because hockey players sometimes actually have something interesting to say, plus there is no more ludicrous and uncomfortable interview subject than an out-of-breath hockey player sweating out several pounds of fluid while on camera. I hope Jim Day is wearing galoshes.
8:03pm-- DJ for 3!!! (The promo was right!) The Cavaliers pull within one at 20-19.
8:04pm-- Play-by-play guy Fred McLeod says the Clippers got hammered in Minnesota last night. Color analyst Austin Carr says, "And they should be getting hammered tonight!" I'm sure they will. But no matter how hungover they are, I'd imagine the Clippers are professional enough to save tonight's drinking until the game is over.
8:07pm-- LeBron is irate that he was called for a travel. I can't blame the guy. Under the NBA's collective bargaining agreement with its officials, LeBron is classified as a "four step" athlete. Blowing the whistle when LeBron took only two steps before putting the ball on the floor will likely get this official banished quicker than that Pete-Rose-of-NBA-refs guy. The NBA has no tolerance for traveling violations against star players. Four-step players are four-step players. Period. No excuses.
8:11pm-- Derick Brassard scores his first career NHL goal to tie the game for the Jackets. The #6 overall pick from 2006 walked the puck in off the wall, looked off a pass to the slot and snapped a high wrist shot inside the near post. Columbus 1, Minnesota 1, but the Jackets' goal was 100x better than Minnesota's.
8:15pm-- Pierre-Marc Bouchard just had one hell of a sequence for Minnesota. He won the puck in the neutral zone, carried the puck across the blue line with some nifty stick-handling and a spin-o-rama move, and after he passed the puck, he won it back when the Jackets' Jiri Novotny made a horrible back-pass. Bouchard pounced on the puck behind the goal line and immediately fed Brian Rolston in front who beat Norena to make it 2-1 Minnesota. That was some beautiful hockey from Bouchard right there. And a total brainfart by Novotny.
8:27pm-- I can't decide. Which beard is worse?
8:33pm-- So what the hell is up with these half-sleeve things that some NBA players wear?
I think maybe it started with Allen Iverson, and I know Carmelo Anthony wears one. Now it seems to be spreading, just like when Kobe Bryant popularized leotards for a while before the NBA had the good sense to outlaw them.
I've noticed that Larry Hughes wears one, so it rules out the possibility that these things are some sort of shooting aid.
Hmm. Maybe some of these guys have tattoos of topless chicks or inked depictions of depraved groupie-sex on their arms, and therefore have to cover them up.
8:40pm-- Halftime. Clippers 47, Cavaliers 45.
8:57pm-- We've found a shot that Larry Hughes most likely can't miss- a slam dunk.
9:02pm-- I lost touch with the hockey game for a bit, but the score is now 4-1 Minnesota at the start of the third period. Oof.
9:10pm-- A limp power play comes up empty for the Jackets. They needed a goal there to get back in the game, and they didn't even come close. It may be time to watch more basketball.
9:15pm-- LeBron just sprinted 90 feet through a gaggle of slack-jawed Clippers for an uncontested lay-up. I imagine this is what it would have looked like if Jim Brown had played basketball.
9:26pm-- Remember in Raiders of the Lost Ark when that Arab ninja guy on the streets of Cairo did all of that impressive, crazy stuff with his sword before Indiana Jones nonchalantly shot him dead? Well, LeBron just did all that ninja stuff with a basketball. Except the Clippers didn't shoot him dead. They watched helplessly as he then decided to move forward and knifed through their entire defense for a lay-up attempt. His shot clanged out, but Z tipped it in to make it 80-69 Cavaliers.
9:27pm-- The Jackets come up empty on another power play. They are 0-for-4 and have amassed a whopping 5 shots total in those four power plays. That is in no way, shape, or form playing with power. 4-1 Minnesota with 5:32 to play. Okay, I think I'm seriously done with this game except for commercial breaks from the Q.
9:32pm-- Zydrunas Ilgauskas just tried a behind-the-back pass. Seriously. It's like he had a flashback to his days with the Vilnius Globentrotskis.
9:37pm-- Minnesota 4, Columbus 1, final. Another dispiriting loss. That's three in a row, all against conference opponents.
9:37pm-- Another Lake Erie Monsters promo. Every time I laugh at the name Lake Erie Monsters, I remember that the other potential name was the Cleveland Fighting Walleye. And then I get down on my knees and thank every deity that man has ever worshipped since the dawn of time that the Cleveland Cavaliers already had a name when Dan Gilbert purchased them. Otherwise LeBron might be playing for the Lake Effect Snow Beasts.
9:38pm-- Austin Carr, on LeBron's 4th quarter performance tonight: "He's on pace to average what he's been averaging in the 4th quarter."
9:42pm-- LeBron just drove "right down Euclid" from the top of the 3-point arc to the basket to dunk a ball. The Clippers are terrified to get in his way. I bet when the ball goes to the other end of the court, the ball boys rush out there with towels to mop up the perilous puddles of Clipper pee.
9:48pm-- Austin Carr, on the Cavaliers overcoming a sluggish start in their first game back home: "You have to get the trip out of your system." During their visit to Seattle, the Cavaliers apparently bought some vintage Jimi Hendrix acid.
9:51pm-- Cleveland 98, L.A. Clippers 84. LeBron, being a last-minute addition to the lineup with his bum ankle, contributed a mere 28 points, 11 rebounds, and 7 assists.
9:56pm-- Hey! I found out where NBA players get those half-sleeve thingies!
Dick's Sporting Goods isn't open at midnight, which is why NBA players are forced to flock to strip clubs to satisfy their equipment needs.