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Cow Patties: The Blog

Steve Sirk lobs more "Cow Patties From Columbus" after settling on a decades-old Spaceballs joke as a blog title.

March 2008 - Posts

  • Sooper Dooper 2008 Detroit Tigers Preview

    If you, dear reader, are anything like the national media, you have spent the baseball offseason basking in the glow of the Jamey Carroll trade and lamenting that the Euclid corridor project will wreak havoc on the World Series parade route, all while not giving the Detroit Tigers a second thought.

    Nevertheless, somebody has to finish second to the Tribe this year, and that team could possibly be the Detroit Tigers. Given that nobody has written a word about the Tigers since the Indians swept them into oblivion last September, I decided to check up on the Motor City Kitties to see how they are looking heading into the 2008 campaign.

    CATCHER

    Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez returns for another season in Detroit. The only thing shrinking faster than his body is his on-base percentage, thanks in large part to the fact that in 2007, he walked almost as often as Stephen Hawking. In fact, Rodriguez nearly hit into twice as many double plays (16) as he had walks (9). He's like Vlad Guerrero without the power or batting average or RBIs. He is still agile behind the plate though, thanks to the rapid weight loss achieved through a demanding regimen of cold-turkey steroid abstinence.

     

    pudge oogie

     

    BEFORE

    Pudge Rodriguez passionately locking lips with Venezuelan peasant-burner Ugueth Urbina during the 2003 World Series.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    richie card

     

     

    AFTER

    "Pudge" Rodriguez as he appears on his 2008 Topps baseball card.

     

     

     

     

    INFIELD

    The Tigers' opening day first baseman will be their shortstop, Carlos Guillen. You may remember that the Indians once traded Omar Vizquel for Guillen, before Vizquel's failed physical derailed the deal as if it involved a defensive lineman being traded to the Bengals. (In hindsight, it is a good thing that the trade did not go through, as it would have saddled the Indians with a power-hitting shortstop who is a butcher in the field.)

    Since the Tigers had to correct that defensive flaw by moving Guillen to first base, the shortstop role will be filled by Edgar Renteria, who has thrived at AAAA, but was a monumental bust during his one season in the big leagues with Boston. After two more years of seasoning in the National League, the Tigers are hopeful that Renteria can contribute at the major league level.

    Third base will belong to newly acquired All-Star Miguel Cabrera, whose ability to rake (as in "with the bat") is only exceeded by his ability to shovel (as in "at the buffet.") Worries that Cabrera's performance might not carry over to Detroit are unfounded, as the Marlins' 2003 World Series run has already proven that Cabrera does not wilt under the pressure of playing before hordes of glory-seeking bandwagon fans who suddenly pack previously-barren stadiums.

    Second base will be held down by opera star Placido Polanco, who got a better contract from the Tigers than Billy Crystal did from the Yankees.

     

    OUTFIELD

    The Tigers outfield will be anchored by hot free agent signing Jacque Jones, who hit 5 HRs in 466 at-bats for the Cubs last season. He will hit warning track fly balls primarily against right-handed starters. His platoon-mate in left will most likely be Marcus Thames (269 AB, .242, 18 HR, 72 Ks), whose unique blend of bad defense, awe-inspiring power, low batting average, and mind-boggling strikeout rate has earned him the nickname "The Black Russell Branyan."

    Center field will be patrolled by speedy Curtis Granderson. Whether it's tracking down a gapper in Comerica Park's spacious outfield, burning up the base paths to turn a double into a triple, or heading back to the dugout after making yet another out against a left-handed pitcher, Granderson does it with the speed of an over-caffeinated gazelle. Against right-handed pitchers (.337/.393/.621), Granderson is almost Ruthian. Againt left-handed pitchers (.160/.225/.269), Granderson is almost Rouse-ian. As many American League teams begin to adjust to the scouting reports, look for right- handed pitchers to begin underhand tossing with their left hand to turn Granderson into an easy out.

    Right fielder Magglio Ordonez had a magical season in 2007. At the age of 33, he posted an on-base plus slugging that was 67% better than the league average. His stat line was .363/.434/.595 with 28 HRs and 139 RBI. It was by far the best season of his career. It will be interesting to see the numbers that Ordonez will put up in 2008 after crashing back to this planet:

     earth

     

    DESIGNATED HITTER

    Gary Sheffield is once again expected to have a monster year with his mouth. In 2007, he put up typical numbers for Sheffield, generating 2669265926982 news stories for his series of statements and counter-statements and mis-statements and re-statements regarding former Yankee manager Joe Torre, which can be summarized thusly:

    Joe Torre is NOT a racist-- he just treats men differently because of the color of their skin, and black players get treated the worst, but not in a racist way.

    It will be hard for Sheffield to top that in 2008, but never count him out, especially in a year when both an African-American and a woman are vying for the White House. This could be the year that Sheff takes his pogo stick to the political minefield.

     

    STARTING PITCHING

    The ace of the Detroit rotation is young Justin Verlander, who put up some gaudy numbers in 2007. For example, he was 1-3 with an 8.13 ERA in five starts against the Indians.

    bozo-the-clown-bop-bag

     

     

    Tiger ace Justin Verlander, as seen through the eyes of Cleveland Indians hitters.

     

     

     

     

    Jeremy Bonderman and Nate Robertson will once again return to the rotation to ensure that the bullpen gets lots of work. Lefty Dontrelle Willis was acquired in an off-season trade and signed to a lucrative new contract, despite the fact that his walk rate has increased and his strikeout rate has decreased in each of the last three years while pitching to six-man National League lineups. Using the latest available conversion rate, Willis' 2007 NL ERA of 5.17 equals an AL ERA of approximately 74.92. He'll throw a lot of long innings though.

    And of course, 43-year-old Kenny Rogers will once again be the sagacious, graybeard veteran of the pitching staff. When runners are on base, he will tell young pitchers, "You gotta know when to hold 'em." He will also instruct them on how to "know when to walk a guy / so there's no homerun." He will also scuff the baseball and attack camera men, earning him the nickname "The White Albert Belle."

    Kenny Rogers

     

     

    Kenny Rogers, the graybeard veteran of the Tigers' staff, pictured moments before attacking the helpless soul who snapped this photo.

     

     

     

    BULLPEN

    Joel Zumaya and Francisco Rodney are battling injuries again. Todd Jones is closing again. You get the picture.

    The only thing that the bullpen has going for them this year is the extra warm-up tosses they'll get when the grounds crew has to clean up after every mound visit from manager Jim Leyland.

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    Close-up photo of the Jacobs Field pitchers mound after Tigers manager Jim Leyland came out to speak to closer Todd Jones during a five-run blown save on June 1, 2007.

     

     

     

     

    CONCLUSION

    While the national media has largely ignored the Tigers, closer inspection reveals that Leyland's squad has just as good a shot as the White Sox or Twins of finishing second to the Indians in the 2008 AL Central race. Owner Mike Illitch has increased the payroll to approximately $130 million. That may seem like a lot of money, but Illitch is not trying to buy a championship for himself. He's been there and done that with the pre-salary cap Red Wings. Rather, the civic-minded Illitch is trying to buy a championship to resuscitate the Detroit economy. If past celebrations in downtown Detroit are anything to go by, there will be plenty of insurance checks that could possibly be spent on GM products. 

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    Motor City denizens celebrate the Detroit Shock's 2006 WNBA title.

     

     

     

     

    Unfortunately, fans don't hold riots for second place finishes. But then again, it's Detroit. And there's optimism in the air. Anything is possible.

    Except, of course, for the 2008 AL Central title.

    Talk Tribe, Cavs, and more on the C-Town Sports Forum 

     

    Posted Mar 15 2008, 12:49 PM by Sirk with 9 comment(s)
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  • The Voices of Cleveland Sports

    I've been a bit slow to put this on virtual paper, but this has been rattling around my head ever since reading Terry Pluto's column on February 18. With the recent passing of longtime Browns beat writer Chuck Heaton, Pluto reflected on the legacies of some prominent local sports media personalities, both living and dead. Heaton. Score. Hamilton. Tait. Chandler. Lebovitz. Coleman. And while basic human decency prevented Pluto from including himself, let the record show that his name graces the spines on many a North Coast bookshelf.

    I am too young to remember much of Heaton's work, but it is obvious that he meant a lot to the Browns fans in this town. And since his passing put Pluto in a reflective mood about the Voices of Cleveland Sports, it had done likewise to me.

    With that, here are the five Voices that have resonated most with me.

     

    Herb Score

    There's an attachment to longtime baseball announcers that cannot be matched in other areas of sports journalism. Growing up in the 80s, I listened to Herb call the action (or something approximately like the action) just about every night on the ancient radio that sat on our kitchen table. It's not that we lacked a television, but the radio broadcasts suited us better. My dad could sit on the porch and read the paper, and I could still follow the game while playing in the yard, or sitting at the dining room table playing Strat-o-Matic baseball. (And yes, in my head, Herb Score called every single Strat-o-Matic game I ever played, even if it didn't involve the Indians.)

    To give you an idea of how much Herb Score meant to me as a kid, every time we would go to a game at the old stadium, my sister and I would dutifully trek to the upper deck so that we were situated above Herb's booth, and then we'd lean over the railing and shout, "Hi Herb!" We always made a point to say hi to Herb. To this day, I have no idea if he ever heard us. Heck, since we couldn't see his booth below us, he may not have even been in the booth half the time for all we knew. But we always made a point to say hi to Herb. It was an important part of the game day ritual.

    In various books, Pluto has already captured many great "Herb moments", so I'm not really going to get into them here. Herb sometimes got things wrong. And sometimes he got excited on medium fly balls. And sometimes he said things like, "Swing and a miss. Called strike three." And he often mispronounced names. One of my favorites from his final days in the booth was his constant mangling of Eddie Guardado's name. The Twins pitcher was often referred to as "Eddie Guh-DIDD-oh."  I don't know why that one made me laugh so much. But it did.

    When Edgar Renteria's line drive whistled past Charlie Nagy's glove for the Series-clinching single in 1997, I was obviously devastated like any lifelong Tribe fan. But I was doubly devastated. It was Herb's last game. And while many fans hate Jose Mesa for blowing the Tribe's World Series title, I also mourn that he didn't send Herb Score out as a champion. The man had watched more bad baseball than anyone in history, and I would have given almost anything for the pleasure of hearing Herb Score say something like "the Cleveland Indians are World Series champions of the world!" in his final game.

     

    Tom Hamilton

    Again, it's that baseball announcer thing. Hammy was the perfect complement to Herb. He is loud, invigorating, and opinionated, which somehow meshed with Herb's low-key conversational style. And once Herb left the booth, Hamilton has become a legend in his own right.

    Let's just say that my laptop computer has an audio clip of "SWING AND A DRIVE!....TO DEEP LEFT FIELD!....WAAAAAAAAAAAY BACK!....GONE!" so I can listen to it whenever I want.

    One thing I have always found refreshing about Hammy's broadcasts is that while he can be ruthless in his criticisms, he's not looking for things to complain about. It's not shtick, and it's not one-sided. He hands out praise and criticism to either team as warranted. But when Hammy has a bee in his bonnet, it's a good time. This past season, I was listening to the game when the Tigers had the umpires time Rafael Betancourt with a stopwatch in order to speed up Raffy's annoyingly Hargrovian pitching rhythm. Hammy was perturbed by Detroit's gamesmanship, and was letting the Tigers and the umpires have it over the air. When the inning was over, the station went to commercials, and then the next inning started before the commercial break was over. Hamilton was all over it. His powerful voice dripping with contempt, he said, "Boy, if the umpires are going stand out there with stopwatches, they should do something useful like making sure we get our commercial breaks."

    I almost swerved off the road I was laughing so hard.

     

    Nev Chandler

    While most kids surely watched the Browns on TV each Sunday, I invariably found myself listening to at least part of each game while in transit to or from a soccer game. And that meant I got to spend some quality time in the car with Nev.

    Nobody captured the excitement of Browns football like Nev Chandler. His broadcasts were so electric that each listener felt like they had a beer-soaked seat in "Pandemonium Palace." How great was Nev? It seemed like "Inside the NFL" would go out of their way to use Browns highlights just to find an excuse to broadcast Nev's calls. ("Back-up nose tackles don't get a lot of press, so let us here at Inside the NFL take a feature look at the play of Bob Golic's understudy, Dave Puzzouli.")

    As my friend Bill Archer wrote to me after reading Pluto's piece, "Every once in a great while, some station or other will put up some old Browns clip, and you're not really paying much attention and suddenly something strikes a nerve in your soul someplace and you realize that it's a Chandler call of a Browns play and, just for a
    moment, everything in the world is as it should be. How do you explain that feeling to someone?"

    I don't know, Bill. Thankfully, I don't think I need to explain it to most people reading this blog.

     

    Jim Ingraham

    I may be going a little off the traditional path with this one, but the News-Herald's Indians beat writer, Jim Ingraham, was undoubtedly the most influential sports writer of my youth. To this day, I look forward to waking up and reading the opening salvo from his game story. Win or lose, it's almost always good for a laugh.

    One of my childhood rituals was to wait for my dad to come home with a fresh copy of the News-Herald. I would immediately tear into the sports section and read Ingraham's opening paragraph aloud to my dad so we could both have a good chuckle before that night's game. Ingraham's writing ingrained in me from a very young age that sports should be fun. And barring that, sports should be funny.  

    (The man once described a Tribe strikeout as  "Shin-Soo Choo went swing-swang swung.")

    My good buddy Flick is a Reds fan from Dayton and grew up reading the legendary Hal McCoy. Nearly every morning in the summer, we swap McCoy and Ingraham gems at the start of the work day. We both recognize how blessed we were to have such an entertaining beat writer cover our teams for as long as we can remember.

    Rummaging through some old e-mails with Ingraham quotes, he can be funny when the Indians win...

    Listen to that crowd!

    Ooops! There was no crowd.

    That meant the Indians on Monday night had to make the most of the noise themselves, which they did by hammering baseballs off the furniture in many parts of mostly empty Tropicana Field, as the Tribe rolled to an 11-4 demolition of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

    Or this one after the Tribe's continued pummeling of AL Central aces last year...

    Remember Santana Schmantana? Make way for Verlander Schmerlander.

    The Indians continued their trashing of the American League's fine China cabinet Tuesday night, as they laid waste to another elite pitcher while rolling to a 7-4 victory over Detroit, all but officially ending the Central Division race. 

    As funny as he can be after victories, he can be funnier when the Indians lose, such as this opener from one ill-fated game during the ill-fated 2006 season...

    First pitch: 7:05 p.m.

    First Indians error: 7:06 p.m.

    Who says these guys don't come ready to play...poorly?

    Or this opener from another 2006 game...

    Well, let's see.

    Except for the two stolen bases and the home run they allowed in the first inning, the error in the second inning, the hit batter, the error and the passed ball in the third inning, the two errors, three walks and the stolen base allowed in the sixth inning, the six walks allowed in the last four innings alone, the four errors for the game, and the six stolen bases allowed overall, the Indians played a fairly clean game Monday night.

    Or this gem tucked deep into an article...

    Belliard tried to go from first to third on a single to left field. Bad idea. Sox left fielder Scott Podsednik threw out Belliard at third by 10 feet. "If I make it, it's a good play for us," said Belliard, who didn't, so it wasn't.

    And then man can get poetic. Take this splendid opening after the Tribe completed a mid-September sweep of the Tigers to all but clinch the division.

    And so that's that. Wiping the dirt from their hands as they walked from the grave late Wednesday afternoon, the Indians saw what three weeks of playing good old country hardball better than anyone else has so gloriously wrought: A clear, unimpeded view of October, which now stretches so invitingly before what is arguably - let's just throw it out there - the best team in the major leagues.

    For all practical purposes, the last tree has been chopped. The last hurdle cleared. The last Tiger tamed.

    Beautiful.

    I can't say enough about my love of Jim Ingraham's writing. One of the first Tribe games I ever covered, my seat in the press box was directly behind his. I was more or less star struck. It's kind of embarrassing, really. I can't remember the last time I was star struck while talking to a pro athlete, but here I couldn't even bring myself to make small-talk with a middle-aged guy sitting at a laptop computer.

    That's so lame. But Ingraham's writing is anything but.

     

    Hal Lebovitz

    What's there to say about Hal that hasn't already been said? The man was a legend in every sense of the word. He was a first-hand resource for several decades of Cleveland sports history, the national go-to guy for rules interpretations, and as well-connected and well-respected a writer as there will ever be. His Sunday notes column in the News-Herald was the must-read event of the week. After moving from Cleveland, I hated...hated...hated that the News-Herald would not put his Sunday column online. I understood their logic. I mean, who sold more News-Heralds than Hal Lebovitz? But still...it was hell on those of us who had moved away. I'd call my dad for highlights. (I couldn't in good conscience ask him to read a 5,000 word article into the phone every week.)

    If I may share another Jacobs Field anecdote, what struck me was how revered Hal was by his media brethren. I believe this was during the 2004 season, maybe a little over a year before he died. I wasn't around often, so I can't say this for sure, but I got the impression that while Hal was still writing his column every week, at 88 years old, he wasn't a regular in the press box anymore.

    Or maybe it was his first game back after an absence of some time.

    Either way, I will never forget the day Hal showed up at the Jake. It was like the Pope had come to town. Everybody stopped what they were doing. Never mind that there was a game going on, reporters got out of their chairs and made their way across the press box to shake Hal's hand and say hi. It was an event.

    From overhearing the press box chatter the rest of the day, there was hardly a soul in that room who had not been inspired or influenced by Hal, or been on the receiving end of some wise and gracious advice from the old pro. If that press box were an orchard, Hal was Johnny Appleseed.

    As ESPN has demonstrated time and time again, a room full of sports reporters cannot agree on anything except the need to shout their opinions. But in that room, there was no need to hold a vote. It was clearly unanimous.

    Of all the great voices in the history of Cleveland sports, Hal's was the greatest.

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    So those are my five. Who's on your list? And why?

    Posted Mar 07 2008, 12:35 AM by Sirk with 3 comment(s)
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